I bet nobody’s ever gotten all that good at dueling because, if you’ve gotten enough practice to be a professional, you’re probably already dead.
When people drive fancy sports cars, I think they’re trying to say something along the lines of “I have so much money that I can afford nice stuff. If you spend time with me, you can take advantage of all the nice stuff I own.” But what I hear is either “I just got talked into spending five times as much as I needed to on a car” or “check out this car I just stole.” Or maybe the person is a valet; that’s the only decent reason I can think of.
Supermarket chains sell generic brand condoms. Usually I’m the first one to defend sacrificing name brand recognition in order to save money, but that just seems like a mistake all over. First off, it’s a pretty hefty risk to take for a relatively small payoff. And secondly, nothing says “I’m not good enough to be with you” like pulling out a value-pack of Kroger brand condoms at an intimate moment.
I went to a diner recently and they asked if I wanted fruit or fries with my meal. I was really looking forward to those fries, but once they told me there was a fruit option, I couldn’t possibly justify getting them with an already sizable sandwich. Ignorance really is bliss. So is fried food.
Nutella advertises itself as a hazelnut spread with cocoa. Come on, Nutella. We all know it’s chocolate. Maybe it’s a little gauche to admit you’re basically just selling jars of amorphous candy, but we’re not really buying it for the protein anyway.
I was thinking about the movies Chinatown and The Godfather recently. Both are considered classics, but I have a lot more respect for Chinatown. Somehow, with Godfather, Coppola managed to make a movie about a gang war that’s pretty slow and a little boring. That’s kind of pathetic. But Chinatown is an exciting film noir thrill ride that constantly keeps you guessing but it’s about water rights and zoning issues. If Roman Polanski can make an interesting movie about that and Coppola can’t even make a gang war exciting, it’s pretty easy to tell who the better director is. Hopefully Coppola’s a better person, though.
Someday I hope to write the definitive text on the Falklands War. I don’t know or care much about the war itself, but I think people would respect me more if I wrote the definitive text on something and that seems like a topic nobody would have bothered to write about.
Why is it that whenever people are mad at me, they feel the need to remind me of the year or my age? “It’s 2012. How can you talk that way?” Or, “Jordy, you’re 22 years old. Now act like it!” I know the year. I know how old I am. I’m just an asshole.
Dear GWFTFHCK,
I’ve been seeing this guy for like a month now and for the most part it’s going really well. He’s fun and incredibly thoughtful and sweet to me, but whenever I try to bring up dating exclusively, he just jokes it off and dodges the question. How can I get him to talk about this seriously with me but not risk scaring him off?
Sincerely,
Looking for Mr. Right
Dear Looking,
Hold that thought. Jesus, I could have sworn I had them like one minute ago. I definitely checked my pockets but I guess it can’t hurt to double check. Front pockets? No. Back pockets? No. Shit! Did I have them last in the bedroom or the kitchen? Damn, I really need to keep them in one place all the time. Sorry, what were you asking?
Hey GWFTFHCK,
My mom was pushing me like crazy all throughout college to go to law school, but I’m not sure it’s for me. I took a job as a paralegal this year because I wanted to buy some more time while I made up my mind and this was the only way to do it without her hassling me about it. At the same time, I’m not sure if this is just a juvenile rebellion and maybe I would actually like studying law. Should I start studying for the LSAT and apply this year or finally put my foot down and tell my mom that I don’t want it right now and if it’s meant to be, I can always apply in a couple years?
Yours,
Troubles With the Law
Dear Troubles,
Moms can be domineering sometimes. I’m sure she loves you and wants what she thinks is best for you, but that’s the problem. She wants what she thinks is best for you. Maybe you don’t agree. For instance my mom’s always on my case to be more polite, clean up after myself, etc. She says that’s why I’m always losing track of stuff. Oh fuck, my keys! Where the hell could they be? My place isn’t that big. I don’t care how messy it is; they could only be in a couple of places. Unless I left them in my jeans that are in the wash… Oh God, I hope not. That would be the end of my clicker for sure. Thank goodness my ignition only requires a manual key.
What’s up GWFTFHCK?
My friend Sara says I drink too much and, although I used to be able to just brush it off, lately I’ve been more concerned. In college it seemed like everyone was drinking all the time. But I’ve started to notice that my old college friends have kind of gotten their acts together a little more than I have and they don’t really spend their Friday nights getting drunk anymore. Am I over-thinking this or could this be a sign that Sara’s onto something?
Later,
Drink Up or Grow Up?
Dear Drink Up,
It’s not really a question of how much you drink (within reason); it’s more a question of how reliant you are on alcohol and how much it affects your life. If you like to kick back and have a couple of drinks at the end of the week, that’s not such a big deal. But if you feel like you can’t make it for a few days at a time without getting wasted, then maybe Sara has a point. Also, there are different kinds of drunks. If you just get loud and goofy when you drink, it’s not such a big deal. If you get violent or it starts to distract you from your responsibilities, then it’s probably time to cut back or even cut it out of your life. Wait… responsibilities. Uh oh, Jen’s flight gets in 20 minutes from now. I should have left for the airport a half hour ago. Oh God, where are those fucking keys? She is gonna go apeshit if she calls me when she lands and I still haven’t found them.
Hi GWFTFHCK,
My husband and I are looking into buying a house. He desperately wants a flashy house to make all our friends “oo” and “ah” when they come over. I think that’s out of our budget and we need to be practical, especially with the layoffs at his company. What can I say to him to get him to be more sensible?
Best,
Falling Behind the Jones’s
Dear Falling,
The most important thing is to make sure he knows that you are looking out for your collective future. Sometimes you pay too much for one thing and you can’t afford something more important. Like, I bought this cool vintage lava lamp at a yard sale last week but I’m probably gonna need that money for a new set of keys. Incidentally, you’re not looking to buy a lava lamp from your new house, are you?
Yo GWFTFHCK,
I can’t seem to find my keys. Any suggestions?
Signed,
Fellow GWFTFHCK
Dear Fellow GWFTFHCK,
No.
Whenever I’m holding two drinks and someone makes a comment about how I’m “double fisting,” I get really uncomfortable. I know it’s not actually sexual, but it sounds like it is and it sounds disgusting.
PUT IT ALL ON RED 