PUT IT ALL ON RED

I saw a sign in a grocery store saying “buying cigarettes for minors could cost you.” No shit; otherwise it would be called stealing cigarettes for minors. What they really mean is “buying cigarettes for minors could cost you a 2000% markup.”

I wonder how big the fine is for having sex in public. It probably takes some of the magic and excitement away if it costs you hundreds of dollars, but it might lessen the blow if they were officially called “porking tickets.”

I was very sorry to hear that Amy Poehler and Will Arnett are splitting up. I guess this means I can only watch Parks and Recreation on weekdays and Arrested Development on weekends. And I’ll watch the “Wife of Gob” Arrested episodes on Thanksgiving and the Parks and Rec episode where she goes on a date with Will Arnett on Christmas.

I finally watched the Call Me Maybe video and it turns out the guy is her next door neighbor. If she really thinks he can’t figure out how to get in touch with her without her phone number then he’s probably not “boyfriend material.” If he’s that dumb, his sexual orientation is more of a secondary concern.

They call placebos “sugar pills,” but I really hope that’s a false label because I think that I’d be able to see through that ruse pretty quickly.

It may sound bad, but every time I get stuck in traffic I hope it’s an accident. It’s not malicious; it’s just that if it’s an accident I know that in a few minutes I’ll see a damaged car and instantly be able to start driving normal speed. Of course, after 45 minutes of waiting, by the time I get to the accident site I’m usually thinking, “serves you right, prick.”

Whoever created the Facebook page for “Kony 2012” listed it as a person (Joseph Kony) rather than a film or a political cause. As a consequence, whenever someone “likes” the page, Facebook says “Kony 2012: (name) likes him.” I’m not sure that’s the message they’re trying to convey.

This editorial made a huge splash in some of my social circles. I haven’t seen the nerd community this pissed off since SOPA. Frankly, I don’t see what the big deal about taking algebra out of high school curricula is. We all know analysis is much more important anyway.

SPOILER ALERT FOR THE DARK KNIGHT (NOT THE DARK KNIGHT RISES)

At the end of The Dark Knight Batman decides to take the blame for Harvey Dent’s crimes because he thinks it’s more important that the public have a hero who played by the rules than a vigilante. But why didn’t they just blame it on the Joker? It’s no less honest than blaming Batman and, as far as extralegal justice goes, it seems pretty fair. I guess it’s reasonable that Batman won’t use guns, but is he really too self-righteous to accuse a mass murder of a slightly larger mass murder?