PUT IT ALL ON RED

A woman asked me if I wanted to party so I said yes. Then she asked me for fifty bucks so I said no. Yeah right, lady; like I’m gonna pay you fifty dollars to eat my cake and drink my soda.

People at the gym always spend 3 times as long just sitting on the machines watching TV as they do using the actually using the equipment. They seem to think the gym is a lounge where all the furniture is very uncomfortable and sweaty and inexplicably has meticulously incremented weights attached to it. As I see it there’s a pretty simple solution; all they need to do is move the TV to another room and find some old, discarded Nautilus machines for people to sit on while they watch.

I wish that, instead of executing Mussolini, his captors had forced him to run Amtrak. It’s not that I think the trains would finally run on time; it’s just that he was pretty awful and even having your lifeless body strung up and humiliatingly defaced by an angry mob in a city square isn’t quite as bad as spending every day having to deal with Amtrak.

I know I’m not the first person to have issues with autocorrect, but there are two that are particularly troubling when it comes to dating; “np” (no problem) gets changed to “no” and (on occasion) “your” gets changed to “our.” Examples:

I’m running a few minutes late so just wait for me at the restaurant.

No!

I’m really excited about tonight. I can’t wait to meet our mother!

Generally, the more democratic sounding adjectives at the beginning of a country’s name, the less democratic the country. For instance the People’s Republic of China (2 adjectives) is a one party state, the Democratic Republic of the Congo (2 adjectives) has constant issues with corruption and human rights violations, and the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (3 adjectives) is widely considered the least democratic country in the world. Evidently the people responsible for naming countries have a habit of vastly overcompensating for their insecurities. On the other side, the United Kingdom is so secure in its democracy that it calls itself a kingdom without so much a blush.

“Working like a dog” is a weird phrase. If I worked like my dog, I’d spend the entire day screaming at squirrels and drinking from the toilet whenever someone left the door to the bathroom open. I’m not saying it would be a great job; I’m just saying it wouldn’t be very difficult.

Every time I get in an elevator with someone and they take it down one floor, I think to myself, “This guy better pray I’m never in any sort of position of power over him.” Either that or, “If this cable breaks and we plummet to our deaths, I can die with a smile on my face knowing I took this asshole out with me.”