PUT IT ALL ON RED

New content every weekday. Sometimes.

Tag: tv

Oscar Predictions, 2016

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Best Abdominal Muscles in a Leading Role
Channing Tatum’s Abdominal Muscles, Magic Mike XXL

Most Realistic Representation of Ted Cruz in a Leading Role
Indominous Rex, Jurassic World

Best Tree in a Supporting Role
White Oak, The Revenant

Best Movie Paralleling Current-Day International Politics
The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water

Most Recent Movie About Steve Jobs
Steve Jobs

Best Costume Design by Household Vermin
Cinderella

Best Post-Production Decision-Making
Cutting B-Plot Where Donnie’s Cat Trains to Fight Neighbor’s Dog, Creed

Worst Video Resolution
Pixels

Deepest Exploration of the Negative Effects of Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy
Minions

Advertisements

Commercial Break Announcements

by Lincoln Sedlacek

NASCAR will return after these messages, which are meant to remind you that if you’re not a manly man who likes cars, burgers, and women, you are nothing.

Game of Thrones will return after we analyze our ratings and, if necessary, re-edit the footage to shoehorn in another death.

Modern Family will be back after – and only after – you enjoy the taste of refreshing Cool Ranch Doritos. We are very serious about this.

NCIS will be back right after Gerald, our station manager who just took the last cup of coffee, brews a new pot.

Two and a Half Men will return in two minutes and forty-five seconds, giving you plenty of time to find a better show and switch to that. Please help put an end to this.

We said Modern Family would return after you ate some Cool Ranch Doritos. Did you not think we meant it? Okay, fine, another two minutes of commercials it is.

Look, our week-long 24 marathon is well into Season Five and you’ve yet to perform any of the basic elements of bodily hygiene. Jack Bauer will be back after you shower. Or at least floss.

We are having technical difficulties; Barney & Friends cannot resume until we have made a child sacrifice to the Dark Prince H’rathar. We will return shortly, at which point we ask that you kindly not bring attention to Riley’s disappearance.

(in an Austrian accent) Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles will be back.

Really? You still haven’t eaten any crunchy, delicious Cool Ranch Doritos? Fine, Modern Family is back, but Phil died. I hope you’re happy.

Preview of The Food Network’s New Fall Line-Up

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Beefcake Wars: In each episode, three of America’s top bakers compete for $25,000 in a cake-baking and -decorating competition. The only restriction? Each cake has to contain a muscular hunk who will burst out of the dessert during the judging, wearing nothing but a tiny, brightly-colored G-string. Cake themes vary from “Bachelor Party” to “Under the Sea” to “Baby’s First Birthday,” but one thing’s for certain: the only thing that will be sweeter than the cakes is the man-candy inside.

Dachshund Diner: This show delves into the fascinating history of the Dachshund Diner, the only restaurant in America where dogs are on the menu. The first season covers topics including: the creation of the “dog-gone delicious” dessert menu, the installation of the cage from which people choose their live Dachshund, and – of course – the controversial decision to made “doggy bags” from the skins of the diner’s titular animals.

Sous/Sue Chefs: Five chefs are pitted against one another in an hour-long competition to create the dish the judge deems most worthy of a lawsuit. But while chefs are encouraged to violate health and safety regulations as much as possible, they are automatically eliminated from the competition if their dish actually kills the judge.

Kid Kitchen: Four children must use all of their culinary skills to face off against each other in preparing a delicious meal consisting of an entree, a side, and a dessert. While the contestants may be lacking in culinary knowledge and experience, it’s fun to watch five-year-olds struggle to maneuver a 18-lb cast-iron skillet and then be told that their grilled cheese is “frankly, really dry and a little underseasoned.”

Learning About Lobster: Alton Brown walks us through the intricacies of cooking lobster. Every episode, without fail, he ends up spending the entire time graphically explaining how to use the lobster’s antennae to enter its anal cavity and clean out its intestines.

%d bloggers like this: