Commercial Break Announcements

by Lincoln Sedlacek

NASCAR will return after these messages, which are meant to remind you that if you’re not a manly man who likes cars, burgers, and women, you are nothing.

Game of Thrones will return after we analyze our ratings and, if necessary, re-edit the footage to shoehorn in another death.

Modern Family will be back after – and only after – you enjoy the taste of refreshing Cool Ranch Doritos. We are very serious about this.

NCIS will be back right after Gerald, our station manager who just took the last cup of coffee, brews a new pot.

Two and a Half Men will return in two minutes and forty-five seconds, giving you plenty of time to find a better show and switch to that. Please help put an end to this.

We said Modern Family would return after you ate some Cool Ranch Doritos. Did you not think we meant it? Okay, fine, another two minutes of commercials it is.

Look, our week-long 24 marathon is well into Season Five and you’ve yet to perform any of the basic elements of bodily hygiene. Jack Bauer will be back after you shower. Or at least floss.

We are having technical difficulties; Barney & Friends cannot resume until we have made a child sacrifice to the Dark Prince H’rathar. We will return shortly, at which point we ask that you kindly not bring attention to Riley’s disappearance.

(in an Austrian accent) Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles will be back.

Really? You still haven’t eaten any crunchy, delicious Cool Ranch Doritos? Fine, Modern Family is back, but Phil died. I hope you’re happy.