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Catchphrases I’d Use if I Were a Judge for the NBA Dunk Contest

by Melissa Chiasson

“Hoop! There it is.”

“And down goes the old leather pumpkin!”

“Looks like someone took a class in underwater basket-DUNKING in college.”

“It must be the evening after Jaime broke up with me and destroyed my self confidence, because there are NO REBOUNDS TONIGHT!”

“Dunk, dunk, goose!”

“I like my basketball hoops the same way I like my Oreos – DOUBLE STUFFED.”

“Michael Jordan might have had jumps, but my goodness does this kid have him beat in the elaborate bicep tattoo category.”

“Anyone in the mood for a snack? Because there are some DUNKAROOS out on that court.”

“I’ve got a fever, and the only prescription is more balls going in. Wait, can I get a redo?”

from PIAOR’s Book of Quotations, Page 1982

by Lincoln Sedlacek

“Something I learned early on is that, when I’m on the field and I’m about to call the play,  I can’t worry about what I can’t control… But what I can control is my attitude, my effort, and my focus every day. Well, that, and gauge pressure of the game balls. And the impartiality of the judge. And, to some degree, the demographics of the jury members. Whether or not a monetary incentive is given to a low-level intern to falsely confess to wrong-doing and take the fall for you, and the size of that incentive. The quality of a courtroom artist’s sketch of you, if you decide you care about that sort of thing. Not the size of your penis, though. I’ve tried to control that, and it doesn’t work.”
–Tom Brady

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