Tip of the Day #1302
by Lincoln Sedlacek
Demons typically require an infant sacrifice before they will grant your wishes, but with the right rituals a nice coffee cake can suffice.
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Tag: Lincoln
Status | March 3, 2015
Tip of the Day #109
by Lincoln Sedlacek
When someone says they need to “clear their head,” it actually isn’t an invitation to reach through their mouth and nostrils and remove their internal organs.
March 2, 2015
Things I Didn’t Do Yesterday Because I Thought It Was February 29th
by Lincoln Sedlacek
- Use my now-expired Macy’s coupons
- Mail in grad school applications with March 1st deadlines
- Show up for the meeting with my parole officer
- Celebrate my daughter’s birthday
- Get my daughter a birthday present that would make up for also forgetting her birthday last year
- Send out the church’s February news round-up
- Pay protection money
- Remind crime lord, who said it would be a shame if anything happened to my seven-year-old daughter, that my daughter is actually eight now
- Flip my calendar to March
-Melissa Chiasson, Jordy Greenblatt, Lincoln Sedlacek
Status | February 24, 2015
Just a Thought: Bumper Stickers
by Lincoln Sedlacek
I want to get a bumper sticker that says, “Honk if your car horn isn’t working.”
February 23, 2015
List of Episodes in Season One of “Electoral College,” the TV Show I’m Pitching Where All of America’s Presidents Are in a Fraternity Together
by Lincoln Sedlacek
- Four Score and Seven Shots Ago…
- Bong-gress Is Now in Session
- Jackson Jacks Off
- Keg Stand for Justice
- Caucus-Blockus
- I Did Not Have Sexual Relations With That Woman. Let’s Fix That.
- The Supreme Courtship
- Pubic Policy
- Budgets and A-bro-priations
- President Bro Tempore
- George Washington Crossing the Underwear
- I Do Solemnly Swear That, to the Best of My Abilities, I Will Preserve, Protect, and Defend the Kegerator
- Bull-Moose Partay!
- Lame Fuck
Status | February 17, 2015
Tip of the Day #811
by Lincoln Sedlacek
Add some excitement to your Mardi Gras party by replacing the traditional plastic baby in your king cake with a real, live tarantula.
Status | February 10, 2015
Tip of the Day #581
by Lincoln Sedlacek
Sunglasses are highly effective at protecting the eyes from bright sunlight but relatively ineffectual at preventing ear infections.
February 9, 2015
Cookbooks That Somehow Found Their Way Into My Kitchen After I Moved to Texas
by Lincoln Sedlacek
- It Doesn’t Get Any Butter Than This
- Cobbled Together: 113 Cobblers You Won’t Believe Are Actually Different Recipes
- The 2015 “Brisket Boys” Cookbook Calendar, Featuring the Dallas Cowboys Slathered in Barbeque Sauce
- Kiss My Molasses: 12 Sugary Southern Favorites
- The Sweet Tea Guide to Early-Onset Diabetes
- 48 Southern Meals You Have to Try Before You Die From a Heart Attack 30 Minutes Later
- Whiskey and Ribs: How to Start Your Baby on Hard Foods and Liquor
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