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How to Announce College Breaks

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Spring Break: Go to the nearest “party” beach. Shotgun a beer, crush it in your hand, take off an article of clothing that leaves you semi-decently covered, and scream, “Spriiiiiiing Breeeeeeeaaaaaaak!” at the top of your lungs.

Fall Break: Go to the nearest apple orchard. Do a keg stand on a barrel of hard apple cider. Smash a pair of gourds together over your head, then scream, “Faaaall Breeeaaak!” while charging into a pile of leaves.

Thanksgiving Break: Go to the nearest Thanksgiving dinner reenactment, in full Pilgrim attire. Pick up the nearest pumpkin pie and shove as much of it as possible into your mouth in the space of five seconds. Get on the table, take off your pilgrim hat or coif, swing it around over your head, and scream, “Thanksgiving Break!” before body slamming a live turkey.

Winter Break: Go to the nearest holiday party. Drain the entire crystal bowl of punch, then smash it enthusiastically into the gingerbread house. Swing your scarf in the air above your head, and scream, “Winterrrrrrrrrrr Break! Who’s ready to get on the naughty list!”

Easter Break: Go to the nearest Easter mass. Sit quietly throughout the service, until the taking of Holy Communion. When it’s your turn, grab the cup from the priest, climb onto the altar and drain every last bit of wine from it, and scream, “Easter Break!” jumping into the congregation as you do so. After you presumably land on the floor, get groggily to your feet, then wait a few seconds before yelling, “He is riseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!”

Graduate School Admissions Essay Titles

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • A Lesson in Independence: Why I Submitted This Essay Even Though My Private Tutor Said it Was Bad
  • Priorities: How Constantly Practicing Having Really Amazing Sex with Middle-Aged Law School Admissions Officers Instead of Studying Resulted in My Poor LSAT Scores
  • What I Learned from Suing an Undergraduate College for Not Accepting Me
  • A Cost-Benefit Analysis of Attending Grad School Versus Living in My Parents’ Basement
  • Whatever It Takes: How I’ll Succeed at Harvard Medical School and Also What I Meant by My Answer to the Question “Have You Ever Been Convicted of a Crime?” on My Application
  • Back to My Roots: Why I Want to Enroll in an MBA Program at an Institution Where My Mother Is the President
  • Passion. Drive. Motivation. Three Things I Hope I Can Develop by Putting off Entering the Workforce for Six More Years
  • Check Enclosed
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