Tip of the Day #902
by Lincoln Sedlacek
To make your suitcase easy to spot in an airport’s baggage claim area, try attaching something easily recognizable to it, like a rainbow-colored ribbon or a human ear.
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New content every weekday. Sometimes.
July 9, 2015
Business Ideas Inspired by a Storefront I Saw Called “Jetlag Travel Agency”
by Jordy Greenblatt
- Splitting Headache Wine and Liquors
- Statistically Insignificant Improvement SAT Tutoring
- Fractured Vertebrae Skate Shop
- Uncontrollable Vomiting Oyster Bar
- Stalagmite Impalement Spelunking Superstore
- Aquatic Asphyxiation Waterpark
- Off-the-Charts Cholesterol Wings and Ribs
- Spontaneous Decapitation Ceiling Fan Emporium
- Custody Battle Wedding Chapel
- Rampant Bedbug Infestation Motel
Status | July 8, 2015
Just a Thought: English Muffins
by Jordy Greenblatt
Someone has to tell the English that, while they make an excellent toaster-worthy breakfast sandwich bun, they have no fucking clue what a muffin looks like.
Status | July 7, 2015
Tip of the Day #409
by Lincoln Sedlacek
While ad campaigns insist that “there’s more than one way to eat a Reese’s peanut butter cup,” adventurous consumers should note that the only safe ways involve putting it in your mouth.
July 6, 2015
Horror Movies With Cute Animals as Antagonists
by Lincoln Sedlacek
- Lethal Porcupine: License to Quill
- Night Terriers
- PANDAmonium
- The Kansas City Moosacre
- Your Fate Is Seals
- Mouse-oleum
- RePUGnance: Doggy Wrath
- Silence of the Lambs
July 4, 2015
Ask Some Girl Who Doesn’t Understand the Cultural Significance of the Fourth of July
by Melissa Chiasson
Hi GWDUCSFJ,
I’m having my in-laws over for a Fourth of July barbeque tonight. We get along pretty well if we’re just making idle conversation, but the moment things get political, all hell breaks loose. We’re supposed to be celebrating our country – how can I make it clear we’re trying to make it everyone’s holiday, rather than a partisan rallying cry? My husband hates it when I fight with his family, but it seems almost inevitable when we’re celebrating a holiday about American history. Please help!
Weary Wife
Dear Weary,
You might find it cathartic to put all of your exact thoughts about the Fourth of July into a letter and send it to someone who doesn’t know your husband’s family, so that you feel like you’ve expressed yourself without having to start a big to-do. And if that person who doesn’t know your husband’s family should happen to be me, could you get it the letter to me early enough that I can read it through a few times before my neighbor’s party?
Hey GWDUCSFJ,
I started seeing a new girl a month ago. I really like her, but she has the most horrible taste in movies and TV shows of anyone I’ve ever met. I don’t know if this is shallow, but I just can’t see myself with someone who owns every season of 7th Heaven and Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2. Am I blowing this way out of proportion? Your thoughts?
Possibly Petty but Definitely Disappointed
Dear Petty,
It’s important to have someone with whom you have some good common ground. That being said, “common ground” is much broader than taste in media. I remember when I dated this guy who wanted to watch Independence Day every summer. I liked him, so I made room for that interest in our yearly traditions, even though I totally don’t understand that movie. Where does the title come from? Why did they feel the need to make it take place on the Fourth of July? Hope that helps.
What’s up, GWDUCSFJ?
My car is piece of crap. It has broken down 5 times in the last year and the maintenance cost is ridiculous. That said, I need it every day just to get to work and run errands. I would buy a new car, but money is tight as it is. Should I buy a new car, or just continue getting this one repaired?
Slow and Furious
Dear Slow,
It sounds like repairing your car every couple months is like using scotch tape to patch up a leaking ship… if a roll of tape cost several hundred bucks! Buying a new car is expensive, but it’s inevitable. There’s also a safety concern here. For now your car’s just breaking down, but what if something serious happens? You could have a fender bender, and suddenly your car lights up like the Fourth of July! Speaking of which, what’s the deal with the fireworks? Are you supposed to be celebrating the fireworks themselves, or are the fireworks honoring something else? Do they symbolize bombs? I’ve heard that it has something to do with the founding fathers, so maybe it represents the thunderstorm that got Ben Franklin to theorize about electricity. Actually that reminds me, you could just get a hybrid! It probably won’t break down as much, and the money you save in gas might just cover the difference in price.
Hi GWDUCSFJ,
My boss says to prepare for an upcoming trial we’re going to have to work late every day in November, even Veterans Day. But every year my friends have an awesome party and I really don’t want to miss it. I’ve already used up all my personal days and he just won’t listen to me no matter how much I beg! What should I do?
Yours,
Overworked and Underappreciated
Dear Overworked,
Frankly, I’m a little offended that you’ve missed the meaning of the holiday. Since 11 o’clock on the morning of November 11, 1918 when the final shots were heard on the Western Front marking the end of land warfare in World War I, this day has been almost sacred to the armed forces. Every year, across the world, we take this day to think about and honor the sacrifices of those soldiers who underwent grave physical and psychological injuries, some of which would heal and some of which never could. With that in mind, if all you can think about is getting a couple hours off to eat burgers and drink beer with your friends, I don’t really have anything to say to you. Now if it were the Fourth of July…
–Jordy Greenblatt, Lincoln Sedlacek, and Melissa Chiasson
Status | July 1, 2015
Just a Thought: Head Games
by Jordy Greenblatt
If I ran a cheap Chinese restaurant in a college town, all of the fortune cookies we gave out after 10pm would say either “Everyone can tell you’re high”, “Everything you said tonight was complete nonsense”, or “There’s a police car out front so slowly make your way to the bathroom and climb out the window.”
Status | June 30, 2015
from PIAOR’s Book of Quotations, page 192
by Lincoln Sedlacek
“That’s one small step for Neil Armstrong, and one giant leap for people who are going to remember Neil Armstrong’s name for all eternity.”
–Neil Armstrong
June 29, 2015
5 Things You Should Never Put in the Dishwasher
by Lincoln Sedlacek
1. Cast Iron Swords
Cast iron requires some more attention than your regular pots and pans and shouldn’t be put in the dishwasher. Instead, wash a cast-iron sword with a sponge (don’t use soap), apply a light coating of vegetable oil, and then wipe off the excess oil as much as possible. If by chance you take off some of the sword’s smooth seasoning, you should re-season it after cleaning.
2. Pitchers of Red Dye 40 and White Tuxedos
Yes, a dishwasher will clean out an unemptied pitcher of Red Dye 40. It will clean a white tuxedo as well. But if you put both of these things in the dishwasher at the same time, your nitpicky spouse will go on and on about how you should wash the pitchers of Red Dye 40 and the white tuxedo separately.
3. Crystal Glasses or Amulets of Kalissya
This one might seem obvious, but you’d be surprised how many people let dish detergent and heat chip or crack their fine crystal. You can protect your fine champagne glasses, along with your necklaces granting you immortality, by hand-washing them instead.
4. Bombs with Less Than 30 Minutes Left on Their Timers
Yes, a dishwasher will get a bomb reading 29:59, 16:38, or even 00:47 absolutely sparkling. But a normal dishwasher isn’t going to finish its cycle in time for you to be able to defuse the typical timed explosive, so you may want to hand-wash this one.
5. Hamsters
R.I.P. Tibbles.
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