PUT IT ALL ON RED

A year ago today, I made the brave choice to stop fucking your mom. Did she want me to? No. Did I get deep satisfaction from your obvious disgust at our passionate lovemaking? Yes. Did someone bet me $20 I couldn’t hold out? Technically it was $20 and a Crunchwrap Supreme, but I’m splitting hairs.

I started out strong. I really believed that I could make it at least two weeks without taking your mom to Poundtown. Whenever I caught myself thinking about the long, sweaty nights (and days) we shared together, I would sketch a picture of her beautiful face on my easel (shown below). If I’m being completely honest with myself, it’s probably my best work.

Your mom’s face. Not pictured: my dick.

How I wish my art could sate my ravenous sexual appetite for the woman who gave you life and once saw you throw up on a dog (gross, dude). In fact, I found that this exercise only deepened my desire for her, especially knowing that you would die inside if you knew about any of this. So I called her just to check in, see how things were going, if she missed me. Turns out she did. And turn out she did, if you know what I mean (shown below).

Your mom’s face in sexual ecstasy. Not pictured: my dick.

Here’s a timeline of everything, so you understand that I had some self-discipline in the beginning, that this wasn’t just some ploy on my part to get your hopes up that we would stop fucking each other only to waltz into your kitchen on the morning of January 13th wearing your mom’s robe and calling her my “slampiece.”

I know what you’re thinking: am I going to make the same half-assed resolution this year? I used to joke with your mom about how if we got married you would have to call me dad. She would giggle and say how much you would hate that, especially since we’ve been friends forever. I would laugh, confused, because would you really let a petulant child stand in the way of this great love? Then we would bone for like, five hours.

So that’s to say, no, I will not be making the same mistake this year. I will continue to bang your mom, as long as it doesn’t distract me from my resolution of being the best dad I can be (shown below).

Tom Petty was right the whole time. I have no idea how it feels to be Tom Petty.

Dear GWCOMLOHACCACRTSICTL,
My best friend Karen said she had “the talk” with her daughter Jessie, who happens to be 11, same as my daughter Sara. It sounded pretty intense, but the part that freaked me out the most was that Karen told Jessie that she should use that information “whenever she feels ready.” I want to be there for Sara, but I just can’t bring myself to tell my 11-year-old daughter that she should have sex “whenever she feels ready.” Should I follow Karen’s lead and talk to Sara now, or should I wait until I actually think she’s old enough for sex?
Yours,
Not Sure I’m Ready

Thanks for writing in, Not Sure,
I don’t think there’s ever been a parent in the history of the world who was excited to talk to their kids about sex. Still, the stakes are high. You have to do it before she starts having sex, which, unfortunately, may be before you think it’s appropriate. There’s no way to know exactly when to have the conversation, but I can tell you where: Starbucks. Think of how much easier the conversation will be after a smiling barista hands both of you an ice-cold Chai Tea Latte. You can forget awkward silences; any time you see one coming, just grab that straw and drink in that subtle, irresistible sweetness with just the right blend of spices. As far as the question of when goes, I have three words for you: “while supplies last.”

______________________________

Hi GWCOMLOHACCACRTSICTL,
I’ve been dating for a while, and I just started seeing someone I really like. She’s smart, funny, and cute (and laughs at the my nerdy jokes). It’s been going well in most ways except for one: I’m kind of a homebody and she’s a super high-energy “Let’s go out and do things!” type of person. It sounds stupid, but I’m constantly feeling like I’m either letting her down, or torturing myself to do stuff I never wanted to sign up for in the first place. It might be good for me to challenge myself to get up to her level, but I really don’t want to feel like I’m holding her back. Should I go for it, or just cut my losses before I’m in too deep?
Thanks for the help,
Sluggishly Smitten

Hello Sluggishly,
Maybe I’m just a starry-eyed romantic, but I think you have to go for it. She sounds special, and you don’t want to spend the rest of your wondering what could have been. If energy is all you need, I’ve got just the thing. You guessed it: a refreshing Iced Chai Tea Latte from your local Starbucks. She’ll have to run double-step just to keep up with you! And with the delicious taste of Starbucks’ classiest signature drink in your mouth, you can add one more way that your relationship with your soulmate is going perfectly. In summary, follow your heart – and drink Starbucks Iced Chai Tea Lattes.

______________________________

How’s it going, GWCOMLOHACCACRTSICTL?
Right after college, I moved to Houston for work. I love the job that I’m doing, but the thing is, I don’t really care for Houston. It’s too hot, there’s no public transportation, and the people I really care about aren’t here. My family’s in Boston, my boyfriend’s in Portland, and most of my best friends from college moved to New York. I’m thinking it’s time for a change, but I don’t know where I want to go. It’d be nice to be on the East Coast, but do I go to NYC or Boston? Or should I head to Portland so that I can be with my boyfriend of (now) two years? Or should I go somewhere that works best for me? I’m currently at a nonprofit organization, and most of the jobs that I’d most like to get after this one are in D.C. I know I have to make this decision myself, in the end…but I’d still love to get your advice!
All the best,
Coastally Capricious

Dear Coastally,
Moving is always an exciting adventure – but choosing where to move can certainly be nerve-wracking. You don’t want to ruin your relationship by moving even further away – but you don’t want to regret your decision to move to be with your boyfriend if things don’t work out. You want to be with family and/or friends, but you also want to follow your professional dreams in D.C. In the end, I think you have to remember the most important part of deciding where to live: how close your new home is to the nearest Starbucks. You can keep in touch – and even work – remotely, but the delicious, calming blend of flavors that make up Starbucks’ Iced Chai Tea Latte can’t be enjoyed from a distance. So always remember to make sure a Starbucks is within walking distance from your new house, or at least only a five-minute drive away.

______________________________

Hey GWCOMLOHACCACRTSICTL,
Me and my girlfriend have been thinking of getting matching tattoos lately but we can’t agree on what to get. I was the one who initially brought up the idea, but I was thinking something small – maybe we get an equality sign on one ankle each. But she wants to go big – we’re getting married in February, and she was thinking we should get excerpts from our vows tattooed down our arms. I think it’s a cool idea, but I don’t think I’m ready to go for something so bold. On the other hand, it’s not fair for me to insist on something she doesn’t want. Do you have any design suggestions that might make us both happy?
Yours truly,
Insistent on Ink, Concerned About Calligraphy

Hi Insistent,

-Jordy Greenblatt and Lincoln Sedlacek

Jade

Amethyst

Malachite

Meth

Billy