There’s a line in the Marine Hymn about how, if the army and navy were both destroyed, the streets will be guarded by the Marines. I appreciate the sentiment but I can’t help but wonder; what is this scenario they’re imagining? I’m not sure that part of the song should be sung as cheerfully and as upbeat as the melody suggests.
If you think you see a celebrity, never approach him or her and ask if it’s really the person in question because it’s very embarrassing if it turns out to be someone else. Instead, ask for their autograph. Then, if it is the celebrity, you won’t have to waste much of their time asking for their identity and an autograph separately. And if it’s not them, they may be a little incredulous at first. “Uhhh, you know I’m not famous, right?” they might ask. All you need to do is say, with full confidence, “I know, I just really look up to you. Thank you for being who you are.” Most people will be so flattered they’ll just go with it.
A hipster is a person who defines the word hipster in a way that doesn’t include himself. Like Bertrand Russell.
I bet nobody’s ever gotten all that good at dueling because, if you’ve gotten enough practice to be a professional, you’re probably already dead.
When people drive fancy sports cars, I think they’re trying to say something along the lines of “I have so much money that I can afford nice stuff. If you spend time with me, you can take advantage of all the nice stuff I own.” But what I hear is either “I just got talked into spending five times as much as I needed to on a car” or “check out this car I just stole.” Or maybe the person is a valet; that’s the only decent reason I can think of.
Supermarket chains sell generic brand condoms. Usually I’m the first one to defend sacrificing name brand recognition in order to save money, but that just seems like a mistake all over. First off, it’s a pretty hefty risk to take for a relatively small payoff. And secondly, nothing says “I’m not good enough to be with you” like pulling out a value-pack of Kroger brand condoms at an intimate moment.
I went to a diner recently and they asked if I wanted fruit or fries with my meal. I was really looking forward to those fries, but once they told me there was a fruit option, I couldn’t possibly justify getting them with an already sizable sandwich. Ignorance really is bliss. So is fried food.
Nutella advertises itself as a hazelnut spread with cocoa. Come on, Nutella. We all know it’s chocolate. Maybe it’s a little gauche to admit you’re basically just selling jars of amorphous candy, but we’re not really buying it for the protein anyway.
I was thinking about the movies Chinatown and The Godfather recently. Both are considered classics, but I have a lot more respect for Chinatown. Somehow, with Godfather, Coppola managed to make a movie about a gang war that’s pretty slow and a little boring. That’s kind of pathetic. But Chinatown is an exciting film noir thrill ride that constantly keeps you guessing but it’s about water rights and zoning issues. If Roman Polanski can make an interesting movie about that and Coppola can’t even make a gang war exciting, it’s pretty easy to tell who the better director is. Hopefully Coppola’s a better person, though.
Someday I hope to write the definitive text on the Falklands War. I don’t know or care much about the war itself, but I think people would respect me more if I wrote the definitive text on something and that seems like a topic nobody would have bothered to write about.
PUT IT ALL ON RED 