Today UCLA beat USC but Yale lost to Harvard. This would be a real roller coaster of emotion if I gave even a zillionth of a shit about college football or school spirit.
Someone needs to make a big red, white, and blue sticker that says, “I voted against all your candidates. Now you know not to bother me next election.”
“Schadenfreude” is a great word because I can derive it just from watching people trying to pronounce it.
I saw a sign in a grocery store saying “buying cigarettes for minors could cost you.” No shit; otherwise it would be called stealing cigarettes for minors. What they really mean is “buying cigarettes for minors could cost you a 2000% markup.”
I wonder how big the fine is for having sex in public. It probably takes some of the magic and excitement away if it costs you hundreds of dollars, but it might lessen the blow if they were officially called “porking tickets.”
I was very sorry to hear that Amy Poehler and Will Arnett are splitting up. I guess this means I can only watch Parks and Recreation on weekdays and Arrested Development on weekends. And I’ll watch the “Wife of Gob” Arrested episodes on Thanksgiving and the Parks and Rec episode where she goes on a date with Will Arnett on Christmas.
Sometimes I worry that I’m the only person in the world who likes to spread his arms and pretend he’s Moses parting the Red Sea whenever he reaches an automatic door.
I finally watched the Call Me Maybe video and it turns out the guy is her next door neighbor. If she really thinks he can’t figure out how to get in touch with her without her phone number then he’s probably not “boyfriend material.” If he’s that dumb, his sexual orientation is more of a secondary concern.
They call placebos “sugar pills,” but I really hope that’s a false label because I think that I’d be able to see through that ruse pretty quickly.
It may sound bad, but every time I get stuck in traffic I hope it’s an accident. It’s not malicious; it’s just that if it’s an accident I know that in a few minutes I’ll see a damaged car and instantly be able to start driving normal speed. Of course, after 45 minutes of waiting, by the time I get to the accident site I’m usually thinking, “serves you right, prick.”
PUT IT ALL ON RED 