Actively participated in new employee orientation, asking engaging questions like, “Can you talk a bit more about the company dress code?” and “So, no banana hammocks, then?”
Was first employee to attend combined employee orientation and sexual-harassment training
Completed break room coffee machine training in under thirty seconds
Cleaned up first attempt at using the coffee machine in the break room in under thirty minutes
Networked within my department by going on dates with all female employees in first two weeks
Went on date with my manager, during which she told me my performance was subpar
Was second employee to attend combined employee orientation and sexual-harassment training
Refrained from rolling eyes more than three times per day
Learned how to misrepresent statistics in order to enhance company image in grant proposals
Completed eight pages of a grant proposal, a number 200% greater than the number of grants I was projected to finish this year
Learned to assign action items in a confident enough tone that nobody thought to check whether I had any myself
Refrained from punching Xander from accounting right in his stupid face
Brought donuts to yearly evaluation (note to reader: I actually forgot to do this)
PUT IT ALL ON RED 