PUT IT ALL ON RED

Hors d’oeuvres

Ants on a Log: A new take on a classic snack. Sun dried California raisins sprinkled liberally onto a thick bed of unsalted margarine sitting atop a half sour dill pickle.

Spring Awakening: A freshly defrosted generic brand chicken nugget delicately sandwiched between two halves of a hardboiled egg.

Treasures of the Orient: Fragrant morsels of prepackaged falafel mounted on a bed of garlic naan and doused generously with low sodium soy sauce.

Appetizers

Pacific Sunset: A sunny side up egg fried to perfection with a hefty dollop of all natural, no corn syrup American ketchup coating the top and waves of moderately wilted blue kale lining the bottom.

Carnegie Deli: Sumptuous cuts of turkey straight from the 4-in-1 variety pack served with slightly hardened rye bread and yellow mustard.

Down Home Sweet Fries: Canola oil drenched French fries gently sprinkled with 100% natural granulated cane sugar.

Entrees

Catch of the Day: The ambiguous white fish in the package on the top shelf of my fridge.

Poulet à l’Orange: Refrigerator thawed chicken breasts slathered with chilled marmalade and seasoned with bits of orange rind.

Surf and Turf: Finely chopped albacore marinated in high salinity water surrounding a juicy 2 ounce pastrami steak.

Desserts

Tex-Mex Fusion Style Crêpe: Yellow corn tortilla with a splash of store brand cocoa hazelnut spread.

Summer Bonfire S’Mores: Mildly stiff kosher marshmallows and a grainy milk chocolate bar melted to perfection in the microwave and then wedged between crumbling but flavorful saltine crackers.

French Fruit Tart: Chunky cinnamon applesauce on a crusty piece of baguette soaked in the moist flakes of grape residue at the bottom of the $5 bottle of Merlot that Andy brought me last Thanksgiving and garnished with a teaspoon of what appears to be either cool whip, vanilla yogurt, or mayonnaise, hopefully one of the first two.