Sunglasses are highly effective at protecting the eyes from bright sunlight but relatively ineffectual at preventing ear infections.
‘E’ is the most common letter in the English language so if you’re answering a multiple choice question with 5 options, always go for ‘E.’
Hitting someone with a small, plastic Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle counts as assault in the state of Minnesota, so wait until your bus has crossed the Wisconsin border before lobbing it back at the annoying 8-year-old across the aisle.
Stapling one corner of a stack of papers, instead of all four corners, will not only save you money but also make it easier for people to turn the pages.
Anyone who says “I wish I’d been a fly on the wall” better really like eating shit.
Canine experts suggest asserting dominance by firmly holding the dog’s torso to the ground until it calms down and stops trying to run. The same principle applies to babies.
Keep some spare flares in the trunk of your car in case you are unexpectedly invited to a rave.
In 1990, the Australian rock band Divinyls released their hit single “I Touch Myself,” best known for the chorus, “I don’t want anybody else/When I think about you I touch myself.” Monogamy must be interpreted much more narrowly in Australia.
Whenever I hear the lyrics “He led them down the streets of town, right to the traffic cop; / And he only paused a moment when he heard him holler, ‘Stop!'” I always find myself thinking that the song “Frosty the Snowman” must have been a PSA about crossing the street that was changed to be a children’s song at the last moment.
When someone confuses metaphor with semaphore, it’s a red flag.
PUT IT ALL ON RED 