PUT IT ALL ON RED

The Devil’s solo is clearly a notch or two above Johnny’s. I realize that the Devil had an unfair leg up because of his kick-ass demon backup band, but the song doesn’t say, “the Devil bowed his head because he knew that he’d taken unfair advantage of the situation by getting help from his diabolical minions;” it only says, “he knew that he’d been beat.” If nobody is bothered by the demons’ participation, then I think the Devil was an obvious winner. But maybe I’m just playing Devil’s advocate.

It was a weird feeling coming back from Los Angeles to New York. The same questions kept going through my head over and over as I walked around. Where are all the mountains and beautiful swimmable beaches? Why isn’t anything green? What’s with all the speed limits and drug laws?

Anyone who calls reading, writing, and arithmetic “The Three ‘R’s” clearly didn’t go to a school that emphasized the Three ‘R’s.

At job interviews, I’m never sure how to answer the question “What’s your greatest weakness?” I wonder if pointing out that I can’t think of a good answer counts as a weakness. Maybe that’s sort of a self-defeating response.

Whenever someone claims to “curse like a sailor,” I think about the sailors I know. They pretty much all wear Polo shirts everywhere they go and their annual household income usually exceeds $500,000. I guess they might curse, but I don’t think this is the image that the expression is meant to conjure up.

If you like figs, you better not look up fig wasps. Let’s see how curious this makes you…

The moment I realized that I’m not a kid anymore was the moment I opened a present that turned out to be a sweater and instead of thinking, “Oh crap, this isn’t a toy. Well, I better fake a smile…” I thought, “Is this more of a jeans sweater or a dress-up sweater?”

There’s a line in the Marine Hymn about how, if the army and navy were both destroyed, the streets will be guarded by the Marines. I appreciate the sentiment but I can’t help but wonder; what is this scenario they’re imagining? I’m not sure that part of the song should be sung as cheerfully and as upbeat as the melody suggests.

If you think you see a celebrity, never approach him or her and ask if it’s really the person in question because it’s very embarrassing if it turns out to be someone else. Instead, ask for their autograph. Then, if it is the celebrity, you won’t have to waste much of their time asking for their identity and an autograph separately. And if it’s not them, they may be a little incredulous at first. “Uhhh, you know I’m not famous, right?” they might ask. All you need to do is say, with full confidence, “I know, I just really look up to you. Thank you for being who you are.” Most people will be so flattered they’ll just go with it.

A hipster is a person who defines the word hipster in a way that doesn’t include himself. Like Bertrand Russell.