The carpool lane is a real “insult to injury” situation. It’s not enough for these people to drive right past me while I’m stuck in traffic; they also have to show off that they have more friends than I do.
How do the people of Gotham City not realize that Bruce Wayne is Batman? If Batman’s main distinguishing feature is having super high-tech gadgets that barely anybody could afford, then unless Gotham is overrun with fabulously wealthy captains of industry, there are probably only one or two possibilities. Otherwise it might be a good investment for Gotham’s thriving class of super duper rich people to pay for some better law enforcement.
When I read the fourth Harry Potter book I thought, “How can J. K. Rowling just kill off a character, let alone a teenager?” Now every pre-pubescent tween in the country is obsessed with reading about average kids hacking other average kids to pieces. Maybe I’m getting old because I keep asking myself, “What the hell is going on with kids these days?”
An old friend of mine recently told me about his geological expedition in Kamchatka. Basically, after about two days of very uncomfortable travel he was in the middle of nowhere being bitten to pieces by bugs in a forest full of deadly bears. I think the lesson is that you should never travel to a place you’ve only heard of from the game Risk.
Along with several of his peers, Irish Revolutionary James Connolly was shot by a firing squad in Dublin in 1916 for his participation in the Easter Rising. However, unlike his comrades, he was wounded so severely that in order to allow the firing squad to have a straight shot at him, the British tied him upright to a chair. This dramatic image has appeared as a motif in Irish Republican rhetoric ever since as an embodiment of the brutality of the British occupation. I tell you this for two reasons. First, I hope that you will take this opportunity to read up on the remarkable events leading to the Anglo-Irish Treaty of 1921 and the subsequent Irish Civil War. And second, do you think the guy who told his wife about it said, “Mrs. Connolly, you’re going to want to sit down for this…”?
I’m pretty sure all you need to do to make a successful shampoo for women is to throw in one exotic spice and one exotic flower. Other than that, you can pretty much put in whatever.
When people say “there’s only one way to find out,” they usually mean “there’s only one awesome way to find out.” Example:
A: You think if I put this in the microwave it will explode?
B: There’s only one way to find out!
A: Check the label?
B: Nope! Where’s the “eviscerate” setting on your microwave?
There’s no need to fake excitement. Physicists aren’t going to be insulted that you don’t understand the significance of the Higgs Boson. If your only indication that a scientific result is important is that some New York Times science writer thinks it is (or at least, someone else told him so and he’s afraid to look stupid) then you are officially not obligated to pretend to give a shit. You’re all welcome.
Why do cafes only ever sell hot coffee and iced coffee? I think I could make a fortune selling room temperature coffee. The target demographic is “people who have such severe caffeine addictions that they can’t wait for water to change temperature.”
I’ve spent the vast majority of my life in the New York Area but I still have no evidence of this legendary fifth borough.
PUT IT ALL ON RED 