by Lincoln Sedlacek
1. Listen when others are talking.
2. Keep all hands, feet, and objects to yourself.
3. Raise your hand before speaking.
4. No food, drinks, or gum in the classroom.
5. Respect everyone in the class.
6. Aim to LEARN!
Additional Rules and Addenda
7. Respect everyone in the class, including Mr. Scott.
8. In particular, respect Mr. Scott’s right to privacy when he’s in his own home. Especially when he’s becoming intimate with his wife.
9. Do not raise your hand directly into Mr. Scott’s face.
10. If any gum should find its way into the classroom, please dispose of it in a trashcan or, at the very least, not in Mr. Scott’s hair.
11. “Dickbag” is not an alternative spelling of “Scott,” nor is it Mr. Scott’s first name.
12. Aim to learn, but aim to learn 3rd grade subject matter, not Mr. Scott’s deepest fears.
13. As an extension of Rule 1, listen to Mr. Scott when he pleads with you to please stop kicking him in the groin.
14. If you can’t adhere to Rule 9, at least don’t slap Mr. Scott in his nose, because his doctor says one more cartilage break and he’ll need reconstructive surgery.
15. During special classroom exercises like writing letters to Santa, do not ask Santa to “send Mr. Scott into the flames from whence he came.”
16. If you do ever end up bringing food into the classroom, and if that food happens to be gummy bears, do not noticeably pretend that each gummy bear is a whimpering Mr. Scott before violently tearing its head off.
17. The school counselor’s sexual harassment dolls are for adjudication of sexual harassment claims, not for pretending to sexually harass Mr. Scott.
One Final Addendum
18. If you’re going to call Mr. Scott that word you know he hates, it’s more than enough to say it aloud; you don’t have to anesthetize him in his sleep and tattoo it onto his chest.
-Melissa Chiasson, Jordy Greenblatt, and Lincoln Sedlacek