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Tag: school

Mr. Scott’s Classroom Rules

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Classroom Rules
1. Listen when others are talking.
2. Keep all hands, feet, and objects to yourself.
3. Raise your hand before speaking.
4. No food, drinks, or gum in the classroom.
5. Respect everyone in the class.
6. Aim to LEARN!

Additional Rules and Addenda
7. Respect everyone in the class, including Mr. Scott.
8. In particular, respect Mr. Scott’s right to privacy when he’s in his own home. Especially when he’s becoming intimate with his wife.
9. Do not raise your hand directly into Mr. Scott’s face.
10. If any gum should find its way into the classroom, please dispose of it in a trashcan or, at the very least, not in Mr. Scott’s hair.
11. “Dickbag” is not an alternative spelling of “Scott,” nor is it Mr. Scott’s first name.
12. Aim to learn, but aim to learn 3rd grade subject matter, not Mr. Scott’s deepest fears.

Final Addenda
13. As an extension of Rule 1, listen to Mr. Scott when he pleads with you to please stop kicking him in the groin.
14. If you can’t adhere to Rule 9, at least don’t slap Mr. Scott in his nose, because his doctor says one more cartilage break and he’ll need reconstructive surgery.
15. During special classroom exercises like writing letters to Santa, do not ask Santa to “send Mr. Scott into the flames from whence he came.”
16. If you do ever end up bringing food into the classroom, and if that food happens to be gummy bears, do not noticeably pretend that each gummy bear is a whimpering Mr. Scott before violently tearing its head off.
17. The school counselor’s sexual harassment dolls are for adjudication of sexual harassment claims, not for pretending to sexually harass Mr. Scott.

One Final Addendum
18. If you’re going to call Mr. Scott that word you know he hates, it’s more than enough to say it aloud; you don’t have to anesthetize him in his sleep and tattoo it onto his chest.

-Melissa Chiasson, Jordy Greenblatt, and Lincoln Sedlacek

The Worst Things That Could Possibly Happen on the First Day of High School

by Lincoln Sedlacek

The alarm clock doesn’t go off and you accidentally oversleep 90 years until you die of old age.

You’re in Anatomy, and the person in the school that you’re most attracted to is sitting behind you. They seductively whisper in your ear, “Want to go to the janitor’s closet and learn about my anatomy?” but it turns out you’re a sleeper agent and “anatomy” was the word that triggers you to hack into the U.S. missile defense system.

The principal gets on the intercom system just to let everyone know that Beyonce called and said she would come say hi to everyone if you were no longer at the school. This occurs during PE, where the archery unit has just started and everyone is holding bows and arrows.

You accidentally sit in the wrong place in the cafeteria and the table folds together, crushing everyone sitting there including you.

When you walk into Chemistry class after lunch, there is no teacher. There are only the words, “Today’s assignment: THE ANTIDOTE” written on the board.

You’re giving a presentation at the front of Speech class, when you suddenly realize you’re in your underwear and everyone starts laughing at you. Then you wake up, only to realize that you had fallen asleep while taking a shower in the locker rooms and people thought you had fainted and hit your head so now you’re being carried through the hallways on a gurney, naked, in front of the entire student body.

The World History teacher is sick, and left the first season of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo for the substitute to have everyone watch.

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