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Oscar Predictions, 2016

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Best Abdominal Muscles in a Leading Role
Channing Tatum’s Abdominal Muscles, Magic Mike XXL

Most Realistic Representation of Ted Cruz in a Leading Role
Indominous Rex, Jurassic World

Best Tree in a Supporting Role
White Oak, The Revenant

Best Movie Paralleling Current-Day International Politics
The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water

Most Recent Movie About Steve Jobs
Steve Jobs

Best Costume Design by Household Vermin

Best Post-Production Decision-Making
Cutting B-Plot Where Donnie’s Cat Trains to Fight Neighbor’s Dog, Creed

Worst Video Resolution

Deepest Exploration of the Negative Effects of Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy

7 Questions Raised by The Force Awakens That We Hope Star Wars VIII Answers

by Lincoln Sedlacek

1. Who is Supreme Leader Snoke?
Is he a 6-foot-tall ugly guy who can use the Force? An 8-foot-tall ugly guy who can use the Force? A 12-foot-tall ugly guy who can use the Force? No one knows – but everyone wants to find out!

2. Who are the Knights of Ren?
And, more importantly: (1) Are they a boy band, and (2) will they perform during the Star Wars IX credits?

3. Will the First Order continue to be better at naming their weapons of mass destruction than the Empire was?
Unlike the so-called “Star Destroyers” and “Death Stars,” the Starkiller actually does destroy stars! Even if that’s just a side effect of its main purpose. But will the First Order keep “killing it” with their weapon nomenclature?

4. So, Luke Skywalker still acts like a whiny, angsty teenager, then?
He “felt responsible” for his apprentices’ deaths, so he went into hiding and let the populations of, what, literally five planets die so that he could indulge his guilt? I mean, yes, Luke, that’s very sad, but if you’re going to train a bunch of children how to fight with laser swords you need to be realistic about the potential negative consequences.

5. Does Maz’s “watering hole” bar do that thing with drinks where they can make the foam on top look like a little leaf?
This is the biggest question of all.




Closest Oscar Races of 2016

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Best Jennifer Lawrence in a Role Supporting Jennifer Lawrence
Jennifer Lawrence, Joy
Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Lawrence Presents: Homeward Bound II: Lost in San Francisco

Best Diverse Casting Hollywood Can Do
Emma Stone, Aloha
Eddie Redmayne, The Danish Girl

Most Robotic Acting
Alicia Vikander, Ex Machina
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Terminator Genisys

Best Cinnamontography
“Starbucks Scene,” Avengers: Age of Ultron
Large Apple Spice Muffin, Straight Outta Compton

Movie That Most Confuses the Audience About the Size of the Main Character
The Big Short

Best Earning of an R Rating by a Vulgar, Balls-to-the-Wall Bear
Ted, Ted 2
Paddington, Paddington

Highest Filmography

Best Celebration of White Greatness That Doesn’t Help the World in Any Way
The Walk
The 2016 Oscar Nominations

-Lincoln Sedlacek, Melissa Chiasson, and Jordy Greenblatt

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