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PIAOR How: So You Want to Sneak a Dead Body Out of a TV Studio That Is Currently Filming the Children’s Show “Larry Lemur’s Fun, Friendly Forest” in Front of a Live Audience

by Lincoln Sedlacek

(1) Before you can sneak the body out of the studio, you’re going to have to sneak in. To do this, you’ll need a disguise. Normally, you can get in anywhere if you’re (a) wearing a business suit and holding a clipboard, or (b) wearing an orange jumpsuit and holding a tape measure. However, for a children’s television studio, it will be better to disguise yourself as something more along the lines of a monkey, a tree, or an anthropomorphic sun wearing sunglasses.

(2) Locate the body. If the seating area is a bleacher-like set-up, it’s probably best to start by checking under the seats. After all, if a child looks under the bleachers for a dropped M&M, finds the body before you, and starts screaming, removing it unnoticed is going to be almost impossible – no matter how much Larry Lemur insists nothing is impossible. After you check under the seats, look in the prop room, the changing room, and the utility closet, in that order.

(3) Disguise the body so that it can be moved inconspicuously. For this, you’ll need to hide the body in whatever human-sized container is available: almost certainly a large, brightly-colored animal costume. If there are multiple costumes available, choose a red one – that way, if the corpse is bleeding, it will be harder to see any bloodstains.

Note: If you disguised yourself as a tree and are able to find a trash bag, it may be possible for you to throw the body in the trash bag, walk out with it, and say something about the importance of recycling if anyone stops you and asks what you’re doing.

(4) At this point, you may realize the person isn’t actually dead yet. If the room is silent, tell them to be quiet, and that you’re there to help them. Keep this act up until the children begin to laugh loudly at a fart joke, at which point you should put your hands over their mouth and nose and press down, hard, until they stop moving. Check their pulse. Put the animal costume on the corpse, if you haven’t already.

(6) At last, it’s time to sneak the body out of the studio. Throw the costumed corpse’s arm over your shoulder and try to make it look like you’re helping an injured person walk out. Try not to attract the attention of any of the children. If you do, and they begin asking what’s wrong with the animal you’re helping out of the studio, it may be necessary to double down by performing an elaborate two-person song and dance number. This is a definite go if you know ventriloquism, but it’s still a solid maneuver otherwise. The kids will love it, and the guy playing Larry Lemur will just assume an actor passed out from drinking too much; he’ll try to usher you out of the studio with as few questions as possible, which is an ideal scenario for you.

(7) Once you’ve left the studio, you’re basically home clear – just get to your vehicle, put the body in the trunk, take it into the woods, and bury it at least six feet below the ground. Later, watch the newest episode of Larry Lemur’s Fun, Friendly Forest to make sure nothing that can be connected to you was caught on film.

We hope this guide helps you sneak your dead body out of the studio without attracting unwanted attention. If you are discovered – which, of course, happens to the best of us – you can always read one of our other PIAOR Hows, like, “So You Want to Eliminate the Witnesses,” or “So You Want to Burn a Children’s Television Studio to the Ground.”

PIAOR How: So You Want To Avenge Your Father’s Murder at the Hands of a Vicious Drug Cartel

by Jordy Greenblatt

(1) First, you’ll want to know the product they’re trafficking. Most likely it’s marijuana or heroin. Now this might not seem especially germane to your revenge, but if you’re sitting around the cantina, talking about your enemies and how they’ll pay, it will be a lot more convincing if you know what slang to use for the drugs they’re distributing, or “slinging.” This lends you the unhinged and dangerous mystique that all avengers need in order to be taken seriously. Dope works for both marijuana and heroin.

(2) The cartel’s going to have a leader. He may or may not be the one who actually pulled the trigger on your father, but regardless, he’s going to have to answer to you. Make sure he knows that. In fact, you should probably tell him yourself.

(3) It’s possible that they fed your father to some wild animal like an alligator, a wolf, or, if it’s a nautically savvy cartel, a shark. In this case, you’re faced with something of an awkward decision: do you go after the animal or the cartel member who fed it? On the one hand, the animal probably didn’t know any better. On the other hand, he killed your dad. Ultimately it’s a practical issue; you can probably remember the face of the guy who stood by laughing as he watched your father being devoured, but what are the chances that you could pick a given alligator out of a lineup? With this in mind, you probably just want to go after the person.

(4) Make sure that you’re sufficiently armed at all times. Before continuing, we should come clean and admit that we’re not sure why it’s useful to saw the barrels off a shotgun. It might have something to do with the way the shot spreads out of the barrel when you fire it at close-range. Maybe it’s just scarier that way. But whatever the reason, make sure you have a sawed-off shotgun. Also, although actually using nunchucks or throwing stars is impractical in a combat scenario, it really sends a message about whether or not you are to be messed with. In case it wasn’t clear from our phrasing, you’re not.

Note: You don’t need to have liked your father to avenge him; in fact, the more emotionally complex your relationship was, the better.

(5) Your main challenge will be infiltrating the cartel. It may not be the Pentagon, but they won’t just let anyone in. Familiarize yourself with their habits, likes and dislikes, etc. First impressions are key. A useful tip that you might not think of if you’ve never needed to infiltrate a cartel to avenge a parent before is to hire an actor to play along as you pretend to murder him gorily in public. This tells the cartel that you’re one of their own.

(6) You always want the revenge quest to end in a dramatic one on one showdown with the murderer in which he almost bests you but at the last minute you remember his Achilles’ heel and use it to gain the upper hand. Once you have him cornered and you’re about to finish him off, it’s important that you have a nice, stinging final remark for him. Remember, it’s the last thing he’ll ever hear, so make it count. Something like, “I guess the only drugs you’ll be smuggling from now on are hell pills,” but hopefully something that makes more sense.

We hope this guide helps with your quest. It’s important not to get discouraged if it isn’t turning out quite the way you’d hoped. Revenge isn’t a science and it’s hard to get it right on the first try. But, after you lose a few more loved ones to drug cartels, you’ll start to get the hang of it.

Good luck!

-Jordy Greenblatt and River Clegg

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