The secret to properly folding a fitted sheet is storing it under a regular bed sheet when you’re done.
For a classic April Fool’s prank, tell your coworker that you poisoned his lunch with cyanide. Once he gets off the phone with poison control, reveal that you really put in arsenic and check out the look on his face!
If you are hyperventilating, you can reestablish a more normal respiration rate by breathing into a chloroform-soaked cloth.
If, in the middle of a presentation, someone asks you a question that you don’t know the answer to, try singing “Gary, Indiana” while slowly backing out of the room.
For a cheap blond dye job, just put a leaky highlighter in your shower head.
Demons typically require an infant sacrifice before they will grant your wishes, but with the right rituals a nice coffee cake can suffice.
You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar but if you put out a nice honey vinaigrette, you can rake them in by the swarm.
When someone says they need to “clear their head,” it actually isn’t an invitation to reach through their mouth and nostrils and remove their internal organs.
Whenever you get home, always put your keys in the same spot. That way if someone tries to steal your car, you’ll know exactly where in your apartment to find them.
PUT IT ALL ON RED 