PUT IT ALL ON RED

Generally, the more democratic sounding adjectives at the beginning of a country’s name, the less democratic the country. For instance the People’s Republic of China (2 adjectives) is a one party state, the Democratic Republic of the Congo (2 adjectives) has constant issues with corruption and human rights violations, and the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (3 adjectives) is widely considered the least democratic country in the world. Evidently the people responsible for naming countries have a habit of vastly overcompensating for their insecurities. On the other side, the United Kingdom is so secure in its democracy that it calls itself a kingdom without so much a blush.

“Working like a dog” is a weird phrase. If I worked like my dog, I’d spend the entire day screaming at squirrels and drinking from the toilet whenever someone left the door to the bathroom open. I’m not saying it would be a great job; I’m just saying it wouldn’t be very difficult.

Every time I get in an elevator with someone and they take it down one floor, I think to myself, “This guy better pray I’m never in any sort of position of power over him.” Either that or, “If this cable breaks and we plummet to our deaths, I can die with a smile on my face knowing I took this asshole out with me.”

I like to sing along with music while I’m driving. It’s easy to tell which songs I listen to a lot because I always harmonize with the chorus. Also, it’s easy to tell if I don’t listen to a song much because I’ll still try to harmonize but it sounds like a cat being gutted with a rusty machete.

I bought some frozen yogurt a few days ago and left it in the fridge long enough that it completely melted. I checked it today and it’s naturally congealed back into yogurt. In a way it’s a beautiful metaphor for the circle of life but in another way it’s a disgusting reminder that I have to clean out my fridge more often.

I wish there were a universal sign for, “I know you and I like you just fine but even though we’re walking in the same direction I don’t want to talk to you because I’m really liking the song I’m listening to so please don’t take it personally.” Maybe you could put one hand on your heart and then simultaneously point to your headphones and the other person.

I saw a pickup truck with a Georgia license plate, a US Marine Corps insignia in the window, and an Obama/Biden bumper sticker. Analyze that, Nate Silver!

I think I’m an impressive person, but not one of the most impressive people. I’d never make the Forbes “30 Under 30” list but at least I can say I’m above average. I’m pretty confident I’d have a spot if there were a “3.5 Billion Under 3.5 Billion” list. Unless they considered dinosaurs; I can’t compete with that.

People think that I say “happy holidays” because I’m Jewish or because I’m politically correct. The truth is just that I’m forgetful and I don’t use a calendar so it’s a good panacea.

I wish king size beds were the same as queen size. It’s not because of the gender implications; I just feel bad that the king and queen didn’t sleep in the same bed. I guess the Beatles were right that money can’t buy you love.