Excerpts From My Upcoming Memoir, “Holy Shit I’m Covered With Flesh-Eating Ants”

by Jordy Greenblatt

“I didn’t know that ants ever ate people! Oh God, the pain! All I wanted to do was share my life experiences with the world and instead I’m literally being eaten alive by ants.”

“If they continue to gnaw on my fingers, I may not be able to type and I’ll never be able to finish writing this book.”

“I think they’re secreting some kind of acid back into the bite wounds because it stings horribly. It feels like I rubbed up against a cheese grater and then went swimming in lemon juice.”

“I’m pretty sure this isn’t covered by my renter’s insurance.”

“I want to call a pest company but I don’t think they could come before the ants finish devouring the rest of my body. Holy hell, they’re eating my phone now so I couldn’t call even if it would help! These wretched insects are unstoppable.”

“Phew, thank God those horrible ants went away. I don’t know how or why they came nor what made them leave and I frankly don’t care. Now I can tell the world about my life. I grew up in New Jersey. Before you made some wisecrack about Snooki and The Situation, I feel obliged to say that I’m from a very nice town (over an hour from the Shore, I might add). It was quiet and not exactly ‘happening,’ but it was just right for me and shaped my into the pers–what the??!!?–They’re back! My precious flesh! They’re eating what’s left of it!”