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Trailer for the New Christmas Thriller: Run, Virginia. There Is a Santa Claus.

by Lincoln Sedlacek

[open on Virginia, a young, attractive 20-something woman, sitting on a window seat looking out into a foggy night; eerie chords play in the background]

Voice-Over: Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.

[transition to a gently-burning fireplace]

VO: You might have your papa hire men to watch all the chimneys on Christmas Eve…

[ashes fall onto the fire, extinguishing it]

VO: …but even if they did not see Santa Claus coming down on Christmas Eve, what would that prove?

[switch to a policeman on a rooftop, slowly backing away from the camera]

VO: Maybe just that they didn’t survive the night?

Policeman: God help us.

[switch to Virginia, lying in her bed, staring up at the ceiling while something creaks above her]

VO: So yes, Virginia. Santa Claus is real.

[brief clip of a reindeer hoof pawing at a shingle, then a reindeer muzzle exhaling softly into the winter air, before switching back to a close-up of Virginia’s face as she lies, terrified, in bed]

VO: And he’s coming for you.

[four more seconds lingering on Virginia’s face, before switching to quick-moving montage]

Dramatic, operatic music plays.

[Virgina runs down a dark alley as Santa’s sleigh bears down on her; Virginia’s friend, Amy, uses a flamethrower to torch the Christmas tree in the park; Virginia and her love interest, Tyler, are sitting beside each other on a bus]

Tyler: (jokingly) What’s the matter – worried you haven’t been good enough this year?

[several grotesque, goblin-like elves crawl over the top of a roof; a car is speeding down a street, skidding slightly on the ice as it flees from two galloping snow demons; Virginia and Tyler’s face are just a few inches apart, under a sprig of mistletoe]

Virginia: I’m worried I won’t make it to the next one.

[Tyler opens his front door, revealing a small, gift-wrapped package on the doorstep with blood leaking from the corner; a side shot of Virginia and Tyler’s interlocked naked torsos, as they passionately kiss; a group of policemen stand in a doorway as one looks in confusion at the piles of small, black rocks heaped in the entryway of the building – after a couple seconds, the chief picks one up and examines it]

Dramatic music comes to crescendo before stopping abruptly.

Chief: It’s…coal.

[close-up of the chief’s face, as a look of horror dawns upon it]

Chief: (screaming) Everybody get out of here!

Dramatic music continues.

[policemen being thrown from an exploding building; Tyler lying sprawled on the floor as a figure in red pulls a whip from behind his back; Virginia crouching behind a couch, panickedly trying to load a gun; POV shot looking down at a child sitting on Santa’s lap in the mall, screaming in horror; Amy’s hand slipping from the edge of a sleigh; Amy falling toward snowy rooftops below]


[black and silent; then, the words: THIS CHRISTMAS]

Eerie child-like voices: You’d better not shout, you’d better not cry, you’d better not move, I’m telling you why…

[close-up of Virginia’s mouth, speaking into her cell-phone receiver]

Virginia: (terrified whisper) He’s in the house.

[Santa Claus slowly steps out of the shadows, but his face remains hidden]

Santa: (in a demonic growl) You’re on my list, Virginia.

[close-up of Virginia’s face]

Virginia: Which one? Naughty or nice?

[close-up of Santa’s face, still in shadow]

Santa: Neither.

[black; then, the words: HE’S COMING TO TOWN]

Eerie child-like voices: Santa Clause is coming… (voices fade out before end of song)

Songs from Prince’s Sensual New Holiday Album, I’m Dreaming of a Wet Christmas

by Lincoln Sedlacek

  • Jingle Bell Rockhard Boner
  • Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer (Fuck Me)
  • Ho for the Holidays
  • Snow Makes Me Horny
  • Do You Hear What I Hear? (An Elfin Orgy)
  • I Saw Mommy Blowing Santa Claus (And I Liked It)
  • That’s Not Eggnog Dripping Down My Chin
  • O, Holy Fuck!
  • Unwrap Your Present (It’s My Genitalia)
  • Carol of My Balls
  • Angels Pulling Down My Fly
  • A Miracle Happened in Bethlehem (Come All Over My Back)
  • Feliz Navidad (¿Quieres Coger?)
  • Here Comes Santa Claus

-Melissa Chiasson, Jordy Greenblatt, and Lincoln Sedlacek

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