List of Contingency Plans for if I’m Single When I’m Thirty
by Lincoln Sedlacek
A. Marry my best friend from college, provided she is also single.
B. Marry my second-best friend from college, provided he is also single and/or open to polygamy.
C. Marry my best single professor from college, provided (s)he is near death and will leave me enough money to get a trophy spouse or really nice microwave oven.
D. Kill the husband/fiancé/boyfriend of my best friend from college, then marry her.
E. Buy a cat.
F. Have sex with people I believe will feel a societal pressure to marry me afterwards.
G. Have sex with someone named Mary, allowing me – on a stretch-linguistic technicality – to say I am a “Mary-ed man.”
H. Buy two cats.
I. Find a roommate, live with them for a year, and then when it’s time for us to sign our new lease, “accidentally” replace the lease with marriage papers.
J. Call Apple tech support and try to provoke them into arguments over what color the living room carpet should be.
K. Develop multiple personality disorder and just count on one of my new personalities being a loving spouse or cat.
L. Find someone who is highly susceptible to societal pressure, invite them to a baseball game, and then propose to them on the kiss cam.
M. Get blackout in Las Vegas and rest easy with the knowledge that there’s always the possibility that I drunkenly married someone with $50,000 of gambling debt.
N. Resign myself to the fact that I will die alone.
O. Continue living my life and seeing if I meet someone special, just as any healthy, socially-adjusted thirty-year-old human would do, instead of feeling pressured into compromising my happiness because of unfair and inaccurate societal stereotypes that stigmatize people past their 20s just for being unmarried.
P. Thirty cats.