Password and Account Security Guidelines

by Jordy Greenblatt

  1. Your password must have at least 12 characters and may under no circumstances mock my receding hairline.
  2. Any profane passwords will be rejected unless they mention my ex-wife Carol.
  3. Your password will also be rejected if you are Ben from bookkeeping. Who’s the petty infant now, Ben?
  4. Try not to use passwords that are guessable because they contain general information about you such as birthdays, names of family members, hometowns, etc. or specific personal information like something about George’s impotence or Lucy’s excessive arm hair.
  5. You must use at least four numbers. For instance, your first two could be the age Carol claims to be in her OKCupid profile, 29, and your last two could be her actual age, 43. Or you could use her ATM PIN, 3851.
  6. It is important that you never respond to an email soliciting your password; this is someone phishing in order to hack your account. With that access, the person can do anything from syphoning your paycheck into a separate bank account to sending shirtless photos of you to your coworkers, including your boss and the cute redheaded receptionist, from your email address. You might be wondering why people would ever do something like that and why it’s illegal to seek vigilante justice against them. I know I am.
  7. The kids in Mrs. Jeffer’s third grade class are a bunch of brats who wouldn’t know a good career day presentation if it were split up into 17 well organized Powerpoint slides and meticulously explained piece by piece. That’s not technically a password guideline. Use at least one non-alphanumeric symbol.
  8. Don’t leave your account open overnight because the computers will not shut down until you log off so they tend to overheat. When that happens, I don’t get paid overtime for fixing them, although you wouldn’t know it from looking at Carol’s Dolce & Gabbana shoes and deerskin handbag.
  9. Passwords must be reset every 6 months or any time a potentially harmful file is found in your computer in our monthly file scan. Also, we can see the contents of your files, not just the names. That means that calling a file “Flenderson Account Information.doc” will not prevent me from finding out that it’s actually a bingo board for my IT demos.
  10. If there is any suspicious activity on your account suggesting that it may have been hacked, it will immediately be deactivated. Keep in mind that I reserve the right to deactivate any account and I am under no obligation to provide evidence that it was hacked. Maybe you’ll think twice next time you want to eat somebody else’s pickles out of the fridge, Sara.
  11. If you type in the wrong password 3 times in one minute, your account will be automatically locked down for 10 minutes. That means every time someone tries to log into my computer while I’m away from my desk in order to change the background to screen shots from “The Parent Trap,” that’s 10 minutes I have to wait before I can get back to cleaning up after all you ungrateful jackasses who make twice as much as I do.
  12. Emails containing attachments having endings other than “.doc” and “.pdf” will be scanned for viruses. Jake, if you send one more GIF animation of me getting hit in the crotch to Carol, I swear to God I will find a way to cancel your health insurance policy.
  13. Finally, the contents of this email are confidential and may not be shared with anybody outside the company. In particular, don’t forward this to Carol just in case we get back together.