Things I Did Not Do This Summer

by Melissa Chiasson

  • Update this blog.
  • Floss.
  • Send Ryan Lochte love letters along with nude photos of myself spelling out “Jeah!’ in various compromising positions.
  • Succeed at learning the dance to “Single Ladies.”
  • Read War and Peace.
  • Read Gravity’s Rainbow.
  • Read.
  • Watch the RNC without crying.
  • Tell Jordy and River that I slept with both of their moms. Up top!
  • Play jai alai.
  • Challenge the drive-through cashier at a suburban Maryland Taco Bell to a fight while spilling an order of Nachos Supreme all over myself and crying.
  • Finish my memoirs.
  • Answer those phone calls from Ryan Lochte’s lawyers.
  • Conquer an island nation and have them anoint me as their queen.
  • Call the nearest Papa John’s and order 25 pizzas for a “Mr. Fartface.”
  • Align my chakras.
  • Establish a rigorous “No Pants” policy at my apartment.
  • Win the lottery, meaning this blog had better be my ticket to making millions, or I’m going to be super pissed.