PUT IT ALL ON RED

In honor of Memorial Day, I wanted to remember the pets of my youth who passed too soon. I wish I could say they died in service to their country, but the US government has already informed me that “Seriously, Melissa, we’ve been through this several times: there is no way a gerbil can earn a Purple Heart, considering said gerbil never spent any time in combat.” I guess I will just have to do Mr. Fuzzball Fizzywink justice with my words.

Roscoe–A delightful dog taken too soon by an errant mail truck that I happened to be driving. What can I say? Six-year-olds were never meant to deliver the mail, especially when drunk.

Cuddles–A slightly less delightful dog that terrorized neighborhood children and was later nicknamed “The Undertaker.” The SWAT team ended her beautiful life in a hail of gunfire. I’m pretty sure that’s the way Cuddles would have wanted to go.

Demetri–The best damn iguana that ever lived. I remember the way you sat on the rock in your terrarium and sunned yourself. It was only after you hadn’t moved from that spot for six months that we realized something wasn’t entirely right.

Mr. Fuzzball Fizzywink–A rebound from Demetri, I never thought I could love you as much as I loved him. Oh, how I was wrong. Ours was a love story for the ages. We went canoeing together, shared ice cream sundaes, laughed and cried together. Napping together seemed like the natural next step in our relationship, until I rolled over and crushed you. Sweet dreams, Fizzywink.

Mrs. Fuzzball Fizzywink–Real sorry about that.

Buster–A rebound from Mr. Fuzzball Fizzywink, I never thought I could love a cat. And I was right.

Patches–Mom said you were my last chance to prove I was responsible enough for a pet. Seeing as I don’t have any pets now, you can see where this one is going. Patches, you were a great puppy! I loved playing with you on the front lawn, and I laughed so hard that I never saw that hawk coming. I like to think he was whisking you off to dog heaven, or, even better, maybe he dropped you off at a more responsible dog owner’s house.

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On a slightly more serious note, thanks to the servicemen and women of the US for all that they have done and do for our country! You make me feel like a lazy bastard for sitting on my ass and writing posts for a humor blog.