A Cover Letter

by Melissa Chiasson

Dear Mr. Lopez,

I write to apply for an analyst position within your organization, the Latin Kings. As a summa cum laude graduate of an Ivy League institution with majors in Economics and Business, I can maximize your quarterly earnings while hustling hard in the street.

I know what you’re thinking–another white kid trying to prove that she is “gangsta” by writing you a formal cover letter? I assure you, Mr. Lopez, I don’t need to prove anything. In college, I tutored inmates at a local prison in preparation for the GED, and most fellow volunteers I talked to said they were doing it to “help someone out” or “find desperate men that would be willing to settle.” Not me. I used that opportunity to market myself to the gang world, and I have the prison tattoos to prove that I’m legit (and I can’t tell you how difficult it is to get a rudimentary tattoo done in the five minutes your supervisor, Scott, gives you for a bathroom break). I don’t want to brag, but let’s just say several lesser gangs have approached me with work offers. I had to tell each, “Naw, man, my dream is to work for the Latin Kings. When you stop being a pussy ass bitch, let me know, and I’ll have you come work for me.” This usually did not go over well and is the reason I wear an eye patch.

Does an eye patch make me gangsta? Of course not. Does an eye patch plus a don’t-fuck-with-me-attitude make me gansta? No, otherwise my grandmother would be a fucking kingpin. Does an eyepatch coupled with superior quantitative skills and an unparalleled understanding of market forces make me gangsta? You best believe it, son.

I don’t want this letter to be all about my outstanding personal characteristics and general badassery. I also have some great ideas to energize your business. After running some of the numbers, I’m convinced you can start charging people more for your protection from rival gangs. If your customers balk at this, offer some throwaway free gift, like a free Latin Kings tote or travel mug. People absolutely love that stuff, and if a free tote ain’t street, I don’t want to be street.

Also, every salesperson you have on the corner should have an iPad. It does nothing to help you sell more, but it does make you look like the cool, hip drug dealers. It also works as a great indicator of employee loyalty. You definitely want to keep an employee who can fend off a potential robber looking to get a free iPad, and you want to get rid of the loser who will give an iPad away like it’s candy (and I can already imagine the excuses: “He threatened to kill me!”; “It’s just an iPad.”; “Please, lady, I’m only thirteen!”).

I have a lot more where that came from, but like any savvy businesswoman, I’m not going to give you my best ideas in a cover letter. For that, you’re going to have to hunt me down and make me an offer I can’t refuse (which would probably be along the lines of $75,000 plus bonuses and full benefits).

Mr. Lopez, the Latin Kings is in position to become the Google of gangs; making mad money while offering a comfortable work environment with a 50% chance of shanking. I would love the opportunity to oversee this transformation and expansion in pursuit of my own personal goal to keep it hood.