Cards

by River Clegg

On the front, it says “So I heard you’re turning 50…” and there’s a cartoonish old woman who looks pretty spunky. And when you open it up, bam! It says, “Maybe now you know how your mother felt when all she wanted was to sit for a few minutes and hear about how your day was going before you went out for the night.”

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On the outside, you’ve got something a boy turning thirteen would be into, like a skateboard or an electric guitar. The inside should have the word “radical.”

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The Far Side was one of the funniest and most successful cartoon strips ever, and Gary Larson’s economic, single-panel style is perfect for greeting cards. Let’s see if we can’t force him to do more of those.

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Aging men like golf. So, something with golf.

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On the outside, there’s a menorah – tasteful, not one of those garish ones you see. And on the inside, “Wishing you eight blessed days of Hanukkah.” (Note: Make sure “blessed” is a thing in Judaism. Also, that Hanukkah has eight days.)

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Graduating from high school is an important event in a young person’s life; it can also be financially uncertain. The inside should make light of the fact that there isn’t more money enclosed.

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On the outside we’ve got two children, a boy and girl, in black and white. They’re dressed up like adults, though, with the boy in a suit and the girl in a dress. But the clothes are a little too big for them, which heightens how young and cute they look. And the boy is giving the girl a small peck on the cheek. This sort of card will work for literally anything.

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It’s Greeting Card 101 that sympathy cards shouldn’t have cartoon drawings of Hell. But we didn’t make it this far by following the rules.

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Everyone loves a card that automatically plays a recording when you open it. Especially if it’s Larry the Cable Guy yelling that thing he always says.

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There’s a Christmas tree on the outside. On the inside is a heartfelt thank-you for not making one of those personal, computer-generated cards with a glossy picture of your family on it. God, those are ruining us.

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The outside says, “Congratulations on two beautiful twins…” and the inside says, “…Your wonderful gift to the world.” Artwork can be a mother bird with two hatching eggs or some shit.

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This card is unusual because it’s not for any special occasion. In fact, it’s blank except for an inspirational quote we’ll put on the front. And we’ll have a selection of quotes customers can choose from. Like the John Lennon one about life being what happens when you’re making other plans, or the Jack Kerouac one about how the only people for him are the mad ones. Actually, those two will probably do it.

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Can’t go wrong with a picture of a woman with large breasts.

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