by Melissa Chiasson
Are you a well-off white person with a baby?
Do you believe your baby is the smartest baby to ever walk the Earth?
Do you have enough disposable income to spend hundreds, nay thousands, of dollars on some bullshit organization that will vet that your baby is indeed smart using techniques that are dubious at best?
If you answered “yes” to these questions and then blabbered on about how your baby is so fucking smart, I invite you to submit an application to our illustrious society for only the smartest babies, Baby Mensa.
We’ve taken the self-involved faux-intellectualism that defines adult Mensa and adapted it for your child! Hide all of your crippling shortcomings and insecurities about not being good enough by living vicariously through your “genius” infant.
Baby Mensa consists of monthly meetings where your babies will flail impotently in a holding pen while you sip cocktails and have conversations with other parents about how the American education system is deeply flawed (and how your goddamn smart baby will never be exposed to it, am I right?). Each meeting culminates in a presentation from a preeminent scholar in the childhood development field or from some woman who tells you that by feeding your kid a diet of organic fish oil and goat’s blood, he or she will become invincible.
Not only will your baby be invigorated by all of this mental stimulation and goat’s blood, you can impress all your friends! Roll up to the playground for your morning playdate and ask benignly what the other mothers are doing to keep their children intellectually active. Try to hide your smirk as they tell you that they’re watching Baby Mozart and thinking of starting Spanish lessons. Then tell them how Baby Mensa has opened intellectual frontiers for your baby by letting him or her interact with other babies with IQs of 130 and up. When the other mothers question the validity of an IQ score for a baby who can’t even read or talk, walk away. You’ve just won, my friend.
The application process is simple. Fill out an application form, making sure to note your baby’s biggest intellectual achievements (multiple languages, recently published books, Nobel prizes) and have your child draw a factually accurate picture of a dinosaur of his or her choice.Then put that in a suitcase full of money and drop it off at our offices. If you don’t hear anything from us, your baby unfortunately didn’t meet our stringent standards for intelligence. If you do hear from us, congratulations! Your baby might just be smart enough, and for only $20,000 more, we will administer an IQ test to see if your offspring can join the distinguished ranks of Baby Mensa. For those who don’t make the cut the first time, feel free to submit an application as often as you would like.
As the Hollywood classic Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 taught us, infant intelligence is not to be trifled with (and almost inevitably leads to crazy hijinks and dirty diaper jokes). Let Baby MENSA help your baby achieve his or her potential by feeding off of your money and neuroticism.
And your love for your child.
And your money.
Do you have an Aspiring Grandparents program? I can’t think of a lovelier christening gift. That is, if my kids ever get around to doing the right thing. Hope you’re reading this, guys!
This goat’s blood you speak of–is it from smart goats? Really smart goats? Like, Mensa-smart goats?
Just the kind of incisive journalism I’ve come to expect from the author, herself an outstanding graduate (aren’t they all?) of the Baby Mensa program. But as I recall it was armadillo blood (maybe a local feature of Texas chapters?).