PUT IT ALL ON RED

New content every weekday. Sometimes.

Month: April, 2012

How I Would Reveal Myself to People Depending on What Concept I Was

by River Clegg

Found true love: Immediately.

Global warming still a problem: Slowly dawn.

Might be gay: Slowly dawn.

New baby is male: Almost immediately.

Won the lottery: Immediately.

Winning the lottery won’t solve all your problems: Slowly dawn.

Afraid of flying: Slowly dawn, after years of watching birds fly and realizing humans aren’t supposed to do that, and just look at them! It’s unnatural.

Late for work: Immediately, via AC/DC music from bedside clock.

New baby might be gay: Slowly dawn, but not for many years.

Mission Impossible IV a good movie: Immediately, midway through during the skyscraper sequence. Yeah!

Thing you thought was true love maybe isn’t: Slowly dawn.

You’re among the least-liked people in the office: Either slowly dawn after you’re not invited out for drinks for the third Friday in a row, or immediately, after you overhear Craig saying “I’ll go out for drinks this Friday, but only if [your name]’s not coming,” and then everyone heartily agrees.

Mortality: Slowly dawn, but with a sudden shock of “Oh my God, I’m going to die” at the end or in the middle.

There no reason not to eat Reese’s Puffs cereal in the middle of the night just because you’re fully grown: Immediately.

Rejection Letters

by Jordy Greenblatt

Dear Mr. Greenblatt,

I regret to inform you that we have decided to hire a different candidate for the position as a Chinese to English translator for the United Nations in New York. I know this probably comes as a disappointment but, based on your application, it should not come as a surprise. After closely reading your sample translation exercise, it is clear to us that you snuck a Chinese take-out menu into the testing center and, for each term, wrote down the meal description to the item that sounded the closest. We even figured out that it was the menu from Tiger Noodle on Canal and Mott.

Dear Mr. Greenblatt,

I am not entirely sure what led you to think you could apply for the position of “astro-knight” here at NASA, but I assure you that it does not exist. I would assume that you meant “astronaut” (for which you are physically and educationally under qualified), except that your application had numerous references to the Middle Ages and chivalry as well as the television miniseries “Merlin.”

Dear Mr. Greenblatt,

I am sorry to tell you that Mr. Spielberg does not need a new assistant. There was no opening posted anywhere and of course, as his assistant, I read the letter first.

Needless to say, I did not appreciate being referred to as “an irresponsible dick weed” or “a lazy little bitch.” I am particularly offended that you insulted my Czech and Austrian heritage and greatly disturbed that you spied on me long enough to become aware of it.

Please be advised that Mr. Spielberg has filed for a restraining order and that any further attempt to contact him will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

Dear Mr. Greenblatt,

I am unable to offer you a position here at Pink Flowers Female Escort Service in Las Vegas. Even if the name was not enough of a tip off, a quick look at our website or brochure would have revealed that we only hire women. Furthermore, as an escort service, we are not particularly looking for people with major intimacy issues and an irrational fear of human contact. In fact, I would venture to say that these are both prohibitive attributes in an escort.

I would suggest that you look for employment in an area that requires less personal interaction, such as writing.

Listen, Ladies, Not Taking Steroids Didn’t Make Us Lose the 7th Grade Volleyball Championship, But It Certainly Didn’t Help

by Melissa Chiasson

Hey, ladies, huddle up. Kramer, just because you’re on crutches doesn’t mean you can’t huddle, and you know how I feel about half-assed huddling.

I know you’re all upset. Who wouldn’t be? We just got creamed by those losers from Heights Middle School, contradicting the universal truth that Heights bites. Seeing your opponents raise that golden volleyball trophy in triumph above their heads and receive $5 gift certificates to Cold Stone Creamery from the mayor’s assistant never gets any easier.

We could sit here all day and brood over whether that dropped ball in the second set doomed us, or whether the ref started calling the game differently after I argued that the ball, in stark contrast to the ref’s sexuality, was definitely out. We could blame any number of people, including Jessica, Kelsey, and especially Sarah. But this would be overlooking our biggest obstacle: you are all weak, flimsy seventh graders. Where are the buff Adonises that I was promised by the elementary school gym teacher?

Listen, ladies, let’s be real: not taking steroids didn’t make us lose the 7th grade volleyball championship, but it certainly didn’t help.

Scientists have proven that steroids make you a stronger, faster, cooler athlete. I know what you’re thinking: “But Coach Davis, I’m still developing! Won’t steroids interfere with my normal growth!” Yes, of course they will; they’re steroids. But don’t you want to be the fastest, strongest, coolest seventh grade volleyball players in the county? Now that you have tasted the bitterness of defeat, won’t you do anything to taste the sweetness of victory?

I see you shaking your head, Kramer. Maybe if you were regularly taking steroids your leg wouldn’t have snapped like a twig when a little pressure was applied to it.

Yes, I’m aware you broke it in a car accident. I really don’t like your attitude, Kramer.

Girls, I’m passing around a steroid list and schedule just so you can see how close you are to achieving greatness. It’s incredibly simple: you’re going to be given a cocktail of injectable, oral, and topical steroids, then you’ll rotate injecting every four hours, taking pills every six hours, and applying the topical ointment in the intervening hours when you’re not injecting or taking pills. Meanwhile, you’ll be engaging in about eight hours of strenuous cardio and weight lifting a day. I’ve got a few syringes here along with some oranges so you can get over whatever stupid fear you might have about self-administering shots. It’s just like getting the flu vaccine six times a day, seven days a week, so you’ll be super healthy!

Unfortunately, Megan, yes, steroids are expensive. But you don’t become a championship team for free; you have to put in blood, sweat, tears, and a lot of nandrolone. Also, I hear your dad is loaded, so I don’t really see why this is a concern for you.

The question you have to ask yourselves, girls, is do I want to die a volleyball hero, remembered forever for my amazing strength and lack of secondary sexual characteristics, or do I want to die a nobody, lost to the sands of time in a shroud of non-volleyball champ anonymity?

Yes, Kramer, technically you are correct that there’s a small risk of premature death associated with taking steroids, but you’re losing sight of what’s important here. Immortality could be yours next year if you’d just bulk up and become the magnificent beasts you were born to be, Johnson Independent School District Middle School Volleyball Champs.

Destiny, ladies, it’s within reach. Will you be strong enough to fight for it?

Alright, that’s enough for now, but mull it over and tell me whether you’re ready to step up to the challenge. Now get out of here, I hear Danielle’s mom has a cooler full of Capri Suns and fruit roll-ups for everybody out in the parking lot.

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