PUT IT ALL ON RED

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The Butterball Turkey Talk-line® in the Off-Season

by Melissa Chiasson

Agent: “Hello, welcome to the Butterball Turkey Talk-line! What turkey-related questions can I answer for you today?”

Caller: “Hi, I’ve got a pound of thinly sliced turkey breast, some bread, mayonnaise, cheese, tomatoes, lettuce, onions, you name it.”

Agent: “Sounds like you have the makings for a tasty turkey sandwich!”

Caller: “So I wasn’t supposed to roast that all together in the oven at 400 degrees for five hours?”

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Agent: “This is Butterball, hope you’re having a turkey-rific day! How can I help you?”

Caller: “How would you recommend I get rid of the man from Turkey who lives across the hall from me?”

Agent: “Excuse me, ma’am?”

Caller: “He’s up to no good, I just know it.”

Agent: “Ma’am, I can only answer questions about turkey, the meat item, not Turkish people.”

Caller: “Right, right, of course. How would you prepare poisoned turkey?”

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Agent: “This is the Turkey Talk-line, serving all your turkey-based needs.”

Caller: “Hey! I’ve invited a girl over to my place tonight for dinner, and I need some help deciding what to make.”

Agent: “No problem! What kind of flavors does she like?”

Caller: “She’s really adventurous, you know, she loves trying new things.”

Agent: “Okay, could you be a little more specific?”

Caller: “More specific? Jess, I’ve found someone else.”

______________________________________________

Agent: “Butterball Turkey Talk-line.”

Caller: “Yeah, I’ve got a pretty aggressive turkey waiting outside my front door. He’s looking me straight in the eye right now, like he’s studying me, watching my every move.”

Agent: “Sir, I can’t help you unless you are trying to cook a turkey.”

Caller: “Shut up! He can hear you.”

______________________________________________

Agent: “Please tell me you are actually roasting a turkey.”

Caller: “Wait, is this the suicide hotline?”

Agent: “I wish.”

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PIAOR How: So You Want To Avenge Your Father’s Murder at the Hands of a Vicious Drug Cartel

by Jordy Greenblatt

(1) First, you’ll want to know the product they’re trafficking. Most likely it’s marijuana or heroin. Now this might not seem especially germane to your revenge, but if you’re sitting around the cantina, talking about your enemies and how they’ll pay, it will be a lot more convincing if you know what slang to use for the drugs they’re distributing, or “slinging.” This lends you the unhinged and dangerous mystique that all avengers need in order to be taken seriously. Dope works for both marijuana and heroin.

(2) The cartel’s going to have a leader. He may or may not be the one who actually pulled the trigger on your father, but regardless, he’s going to have to answer to you. Make sure he knows that. In fact, you should probably tell him yourself.

(3) It’s possible that they fed your father to some wild animal like an alligator, a wolf, or, if it’s a nautically savvy cartel, a shark. In this case, you’re faced with something of an awkward decision: do you go after the animal or the cartel member who fed it? On the one hand, the animal probably didn’t know any better. On the other hand, he killed your dad. Ultimately it’s a practical issue; you can probably remember the face of the guy who stood by laughing as he watched your father being devoured, but what are the chances that you could pick a given alligator out of a lineup? With this in mind, you probably just want to go after the person.

(4) Make sure that you’re sufficiently armed at all times. Before continuing, we should come clean and admit that we’re not sure why it’s useful to saw the barrels off a shotgun. It might have something to do with the way the shot spreads out of the barrel when you fire it at close-range. Maybe it’s just scarier that way. But whatever the reason, make sure you have a sawed-off shotgun. Also, although actually using nunchucks or throwing stars is impractical in a combat scenario, it really sends a message about whether or not you are to be messed with. In case it wasn’t clear from our phrasing, you’re not.

Note: You don’t need to have liked your father to avenge him; in fact, the more emotionally complex your relationship was, the better.

(5) Your main challenge will be infiltrating the cartel. It may not be the Pentagon, but they won’t just let anyone in. Familiarize yourself with their habits, likes and dislikes, etc. First impressions are key. A useful tip that you might not think of if you’ve never needed to infiltrate a cartel to avenge a parent before is to hire an actor to play along as you pretend to murder him gorily in public. This tells the cartel that you’re one of their own.

(6) You always want the revenge quest to end in a dramatic one on one showdown with the murderer in which he almost bests you but at the last minute you remember his Achilles’ heel and use it to gain the upper hand. Once you have him cornered and you’re about to finish him off, it’s important that you have a nice, stinging final remark for him. Remember, it’s the last thing he’ll ever hear, so make it count. Something like, “I guess the only drugs you’ll be smuggling from now on are hell pills,” but hopefully something that makes more sense.

We hope this guide helps with your quest. It’s important not to get discouraged if it isn’t turning out quite the way you’d hoped. Revenge isn’t a science and it’s hard to get it right on the first try. But, after you lose a few more loved ones to drug cartels, you’ll start to get the hang of it.

Good luck!

-Jordy Greenblatt and River Clegg

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