by Lincoln Sedlacek
A big, cartoonish bee with rosy cheeks is smiling and hugging a flower. Inside it says, “Bee mine.” Underneath, in fancy handwriting, are the words, “To my queen B,” and two tickets to a Beyoncé concert are taped to the paper. Underneath that was quickly scrawled, “Shit shit shit, I’m really sorry I’m sending you this card after you got attacked by that swarm of bees. I bought the card and taped the Beyoncé tickets to it before that happened, and I was afraid that trying to get the tickets off would rip them. Anyway…love you!”
On the front: “Over time, I’ve tried to fill my life with lots of things: work, money, adventure, stuff…” On the inside: “But in the end, nothing fills my heart like you do.” Underneath is a picture of a heart with an “insert gift card here” slot, which is occupied by a photo of the card sender and recipient from their first date. Underneath that is a handwritten note: “Please don’t think I’m cheap.”
The outside is pink with red hearts on it, and reads, “Will you be my Valentine?” The inside is a list of terms and conditions with an “I agree to the terms and conditions” checkbox at the bottom.
A traditional homemade card – pink and heart-shaped. On the outside, it says, “Nothing represents my love for you more perfectly than this card…” The inside reads, “I tried to make it into something I thought was realistic. But it turns out that just as society has given me factually inaccurate ideas of what a heart looks like, so too has society given me an untrue fantasy of what love is.” A $5 Starbucks gift card is enclosed.
A black-and-white photograph of a pug graces the front. The inside reads, “I’m head a-pug heels for you!” At the bottom, in eight-point font, the card designer apparently went ahead and included the text, “Let’s be honest, whoever you’re getting this from didn’t think to buy you a card until at least 5:00 PM on February 14th.”