Preview of The Food Network’s New Fall Line-Up

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Beefcake Wars: In each episode, three of America’s top bakers compete for $25,000 in a cake-baking and -decorating competition. The only restriction? Each cake has to contain a muscular hunk who will burst out of the dessert during the judging, wearing nothing but a tiny, brightly-colored G-string. Cake themes vary from “Bachelor Party” to “Under the Sea” to “Baby’s First Birthday,” but one thing’s for certain: the only thing that will be sweeter than the cakes is the man-candy inside.

Dachshund Diner: This show delves into the fascinating history of the Dachshund Diner, the only restaurant in America where dogs are on the menu. The first season covers topics including: the creation of the “dog-gone delicious” dessert menu, the installation of the cage from which people choose their live Dachshund, and – of course – the controversial decision to made “doggy bags” from the skins of the diner’s titular animals.

Sous/Sue Chefs: Five chefs are pitted against one another in an hour-long competition to create the dish the judge deems most worthy of a lawsuit. But while chefs are encouraged to violate health and safety regulations as much as possible, they are automatically eliminated from the competition if their dish actually kills the judge.

Kid Kitchen: Four children must use all of their culinary skills to face off against each other in preparing a delicious meal consisting of an entree, a side, and a dessert. While the contestants may be lacking in culinary knowledge and experience, it’s fun to watch five-year-olds struggle to maneuver a 18-lb cast-iron skillet and then be told that their grilled cheese is “frankly, really dry and a little underseasoned.”

Learning About Lobster: Alton Brown walks us through the intricacies of cooking lobster. Every episode, without fail, he ends up spending the entire time graphically explaining how to use the lobster’s antennae to enter its anal cavity and clean out its intestines.