Directions for Use on the Back of Juliet’s Sleeping Potion

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Temporarily puts user into a deathlike sleep, which is extremely useful for:
escaping your family to be with your banished lover
getting out of attending your best friend’s two-hour interpretive dance performance
pranking your loved ones by pretending to die and then rising like a zombie in the middle of your funeral

Side effects
This product has been known to cause:
paling skin
death, especially if you stab yourself immediately after you wake up

Do not use
Refrain from taking this product:
if you are an emotional, irrational teenager
in a locality where deaths frequently incite violent, fatal conflicts
if your boyfriend/girlfriend has been known to exhibit suicidal tendencies when discussing subjects like the end of your relationship
immediately before or after heart surgery

Ask a doctor
Talk to your doctor or pharmacist before use if you are:
hoping to use your feigned death as part of an elaborate plan
under a nurse’s care for any other condition, especially if that nurse engages in lengthy vulgar monologues to no one in particular
13 years old