PUT IT ALL ON RED

1. Prepare for allergy season in advance by buying a bouquet of flowers, letting it die, taking several pictures of it, and leaving them lying around in gardens around your neighborhood as a warning to any pollinating plants.

2. Remember that most allergens get into your body through your eyes, nose, and mouth. Try hermetically sealing each of these bodily openings.

3. Once allergy season starts, write a letter to your senator telling him that allergy season should qualify as a state of emergency and he should introduce legislation supporting your strategy of “burning those flowering fuckers to the ground.”

4. It’s possible that one of your friends has a miracle cure to your particular allergic affliction. Make sure to complain about your allergies as much as possible so that your friends will know to tell you about any solutions they might have.

5. If regular allergy medications fail to cure your runny nose, watery eyes, shortness of breath, and sneezing, remember to carry a box of tissues with you everywhere you go, to televise how absolutely miserable and disgusting you are to the people around you.

6. Have you tried not having allergies? This is an alternative to spring allergies that many people around the world swear by – they say it’s one of the most enjoyable ways to spend spring!