by Lincoln Sedlacek
Card: A cartoonish dog is holding up a cake against a tackily-colored background. The inside says, “Happy Father’s Day,” under which a handwritten note reads, “I couldn’t think of what to write here, but I hope you enjoy your present!”
Meaning: “Please show this card to Mom. It will make her feel better after she realizes how much more money I spent on your Father’s Day gift than her Mother’s Day gift.”
Card: A single American flag stands against a cloudless sky. On the inside are the hastily scrawled words, “Happy Father’s Day,” a heartfelt note, and a $50 gift card to Applebee’s.
Meaning: “I felt really bad about forgetting Father’s Day until it was so late that the only cards left were for the Fourth of July.”
Card: On the front there’s a little kid’s baseball glove nestled inside of an adult baseball glove, kind of like they’re two hands holding each other. It says, “To the dad who was always ready to play catch.” The inside has a handwritten note that looks like it was made illegible on purpose.
Meaning: “Thank you for always accepting me, provided I lived up to your standards of masculinity from a very early age.”
Card: A macaroni card showing a father and his child holding hands. The inside reads, “No matter how old I am, I’ll always be your little boy/girl–and you’ll always be my dad.”
Meaning: “I do not have enough money to buy a real present, or a real card. This card was an entire day’s worth of meals.”
Card: The front shows a stapler and the words, “Thanks for holding everything together.” The inside says “We wouldn’t be where we are without you. Happy [scribbled out] Day!” with the word “Father’s” written over the scribbled out bit.
Meaning: “I wanted to get you a card that made it clear how great I thought you were as a stay-at-home dad. But thanks to the sexism in the greeting card industry, the closest I could come was getting you an Administrative Professionals’ Day card and making a few strategic alterations.”
Card: A father and son are smiling as they sit in a boat and fish. On the inside it says, “Here’s to the good times. Happy Father’s Day.”
Meaning: “The only good times we had were when we sat in silence and lured animals to their death.”