Directions for Use on the Back of Juliet’s Sleeping Potion

by Lincoln Sedlacek

Uses
Temporarily puts user into a deathlike sleep, which is extremely useful for:
– escaping your family to be with your banished lover
– getting out of attending your best friend’s two-hour interpretive dance performance
– pranking your loved ones by pretending to die and then rising like a zombie in the middle of your funeral

Side effects
This product has been known to cause:
– shock
– fatigue
– paling skin
– death, especially if you stab yourself immediately after you wake up

Do not use
Refrain from taking this product:
– if you are an emotional, irrational teenager
– in a locality where deaths frequently incite violent, fatal conflicts
– if your boyfriend/girlfriend has been known to exhibit suicidal tendencies when discussing subjects like the end of your relationship
– immediately before or after heart surgery

Ask a doctor
Talk to your doctor or pharmacist before use if you are:
– hoping to use your feigned death as part of an elaborate plan
– under a nurse’s care for any other condition, especially if that nurse engages in lengthy vulgar monologues to no one in particular
– 13 years old