by Melissa Chiasson
A year ago today, I made the brave choice to stop fucking your mom. Did she want me to? No. Did I get deep satisfaction from your obvious disgust at our passionate lovemaking? Yes. Did someone bet me $20 I couldn’t hold out? Technically it was $20 and a Crunchwrap Supreme, but I’m splitting hairs.
I started out strong. I really believed that I could make it at least two weeks without taking your mom to Poundtown. Whenever I caught myself thinking about the long, sweaty nights (and days) we shared together, I would sketch a picture of her beautiful face on my easel (shown below). If I’m being completely honest with myself, it’s probably my best work.
How I wish my art could sate my ravenous sexual appetite for the woman who gave you life and once saw you throw up on a dog (gross, dude). In fact, I found that this exercise only deepened my desire for her, especially knowing that you would die inside if you knew about any of this. So I called her just to check in, see how things were going, if she missed me. Turns out she did. And turn out she did, if you know what I mean (shown below).
Here’s a timeline of everything, so you understand that I had some self-discipline in the beginning, that this wasn’t just some ploy on my part to get your hopes up that we would stop fucking each other only to waltz into your kitchen on the morning of January 13th wearing your mom’s robe and calling her my “slampiece.”
I know what you’re thinking: am I going to make the same half-assed resolution this year? I used to joke with your mom about how if we got married you would have to call me dad. She would giggle and say how much you would hate that, especially since we’ve been friends forever. I would laugh, confused, because would you really let a petulant child stand in the way of this great love? Then we would bone for like, five hours.
So that’s to say, no, I will not be making the same mistake this year. I will continue to bang your mom, as long as it doesn’t distract me from my resolution of being the best dad I can be (shown below).