PUT IT ALL ON RED

That time I went to James Bond’s house for a 007 marathon, he talked for a whole half hour about the importance of diversifying my investment portfolio to include municipal bonds. He ended up guilting me into it by telling me I needed to think about my family, so I now think of them as “shame bonds,” which sounds a lot like James Bond.

Parker Carson used to work as a valet, and she’s continually telling stories about how she had to choose between putting SUVs in the “park or Carson” Center parking lots.

When I went to KFC with Ted Sanders and he told me about his time as a colonel in the Army Reserves, he wouldn’t stop running his hands along the sides of the table, like they were wood sanders.

John Clogger always gets the toilet stopped up, which inevitably results in Jon the janitor guilting us all into going to his next clogging recital.

When Luke, who insists on being referred to as “Dr. Baker,” brings in cookies, I can tell that he uses fake chocolate chips, which reminds me of how people mishear Taylor Swift’s lyric “Fakers gonna fake, fake, fake, fake, fake,” as “Bakers gonna bake, bake, bake, bake.” Someone who only misheard it a little bit would hear, “Bakers gonna fake, fake, fake, fake, fake.’

Earl Goodman is always honest and frank with his criticisms, without ever being mean-spirited. He’s as good a man as John Goodman, who is so great he should be knighted by the Queen of England, which would kind of make him “Earl Goodman.”

Last time we went out for drinks after work, Jim Beam drank so much whiskey that we told him we wouldn’t let him drive home and made him give us his keys. He told us he was fine and after some arguing back and forth he said he’d prove it: he made us all go to his gym across the street and watch him walk the balance beam. Unfortunately we were right, and, long story short, he’s in a coma.

-Jordy Greenblatt, Lincoln Sedlacek