PUT IT ALL ON RED

When I press the horn on my sleek red convertible, it’s going to cause some heads to turn. This is because when somebody hears a car horn blare out a complete sentence at top volume, they very rarely ignore it. I am extrapolating from what I imagine my own reaction would be in that scenario, but it seems like a reasonable assumption.

I don’t appreciate figurative speech. I have as much subtlety as the second ‘t’ in the word ‘subtlety,’ which is pronounced exactly as the letter ‘t’ is named. When I look for a car that says a particular phrase or sentence, I want it engineered to do so plainly and audibly.

If the car didn’t announce its purpose loudly and in clear language, there’s no guarantee that passersby would even notice it, let along register its significance as an indicator of my lucrative business dealings. I don’t want there to be any ambiguity or speculation concerning my socioeconomic status. I want people to know that I belong squarely to the upper echelons of society without expending time or energy on arriving to this conclusion.

I have various other ideas to further propagate the news of my wealth using my new car. Perhaps I could affix decals printed daily that bare the date and my net worth as of that morning. If the sheer fact that I spend money so frivolously that I have a standing daily contract with a decal printer doesn’t alert people to my fortune, the enumeration of my net worth will certainly elucidate that point.

Ideally I would like screens on the sides of the car that indicate my net worth, updating in real time. However, I am a pragmatist and I don’t think this technology can be reliably installed on the exterior of a car. Therefore, I am willing to settle for advertising my wealth with the simple and informative car horn message above as an air cannon showers the sidewalks with photos of myself dressed in expensive suits and shaking hands with rich and famous people.