Abortion Restrictions Texas Just Came Up With in the Last 15 Minutes

by Melissa Chiasson

  1. Clinic where procedure is done must be half-ambulatory surgical centers, half-Chuck E. Cheese’s.
  2. Rick Perry is required to be present for the initial consultation. He will be wearing surgical scrubs with cowboy boots and will ask extremely personal questions about your sex life. It’s kind of his thing.
  3. Doctor who performs procedure must have hospital privileges within 6 miles of clinic and bear some resemblance to fictional TV doctor Gregory House (i.e., white and male).
  4. Patient must rub tummy and pat head through duration of procedure, even if anesthetized.
  5. Human biology should re-evolve so that God should make it so that babies are fully formed geniuses at conception, like that talking baby on that one E-Trade commercial.
  6. Budgets showing in stark monetary terms how poorly Texas provides for mothers and children in poverty after birth shall be reformatted to show amount of jelly beans, rainbows, and/or unicorns recipient could buy with government aid.