Point Counterpoint: Catching Me Alive

by Jordy Greenblatt

Point: You’ll Never Catch Me Alive

You’re never gonna slow down Ol’ Tommy Gun Jeffery Sanders! Every lawman from here to Abilene has given it their all, and by Joe I’m still on the lam. Come at me, all you boys in blue. So long as my heart’s still beating, you’ll be plum out of luck.

Hell, if you think you’re gonna take Ol’ Jeff in still kicking, you’ve got another thing coming, dammit. I’ll have to be lying stone dead on a cold slab before you get your dirty mitts on me!

Counterpoint: Well Obviously; I’m a Mortician

First off, I have no intention of “catching” you. Why would I do that and how could it possibly benefit me?

The only parts of my job that require me to put my “mitts” (which, by the way, are sterile rubber gloves) on people, are cremation and burial preparation. So if I get my mitts on you, it will undoubtedly be when you’re dead. Technically you’ll be lying on a metal table rather than a “cold slab” but, yeah, that’s pretty much the idea.

I’m not sure how you wound up so confused about the role of a mortician, but I assure you that no part of my job requires me to touch you while you are still alive, much less capture and intern you in any capacity. So unless you’re trying to reserve the parlor or you have a cadaver for me, get out of my office.