No One Is Leaving This Classroom Until I Find Out Who Clubbed Billy Over the Head with His Own Pencil Box

by Lincoln Sedlacek


Marissa, does the bell dismiss this class? No, that’s right; I dismiss this class. And nobody is leaving this classroom until I find out who clubbed Billy over the head with his own pencil box.

What’s that, Juan? It’s lunchtime? Well then, I guess you guys are going to miss lunch. Lunch is a privilege, and it’s a privilege that I only give to classes that are honest with me about who’s responsible for the gaping wound in the side of Billy’s head. So, I’m going to ask you guys again: who did it?

…No one? No one did it? I suppose Billy’s pencil box just smashed its way through Billy’s skull all by itself, did it? Jacob, what do you think? No? You don’t think so? I agree. It must have been someone in this class. So who was it?

Alright. I want everyone to take out your notebooks and—DID I SAY GROAN?!! No, that’s right, I don’t think I did. I said take out your notebooks.

Yes, Stacy, what is it?

Stacy doesn’t have a pencil, class. She’s unprepared. Is anyone prepared to lend Stacy a pencil? Yes, Jasper. Stacy, what do you say to Jasper? That’s right, thank you, Jasper, for being prepared. I’m going to put a sticker on your behavior chart.

Alright, I want you all to write a full page on why honesty is important. Stacy, what is it? That’s a great question. We should be driving Billy to a hospital. But guess what? We can’t. Because no one is leaving this classroom until I find out who is responsible for crushing Billy’s skull in.

MARISSA! What are you doing? No, you’re not. You’re not writing your essay, you’re drawing. You’re already missing lunch today; do you want to lose recess, too? Well then you’d better have your essay done before the bell rings.

Jasper, what is it? Billy’s face is turning blue? Well, Billy’s not going to be the only one who’s blue if I don’t find out who hit him over the head with his own pencil box. You’re all going to be very blue when you’re missing recess all week. That’s right, all week.

I don’t mean you’ll be the color blue, Marissa, I mean you’ll be sad. It was one of your vocab words this week. Have you studied your vocab words for the week? Well you’d better start, if you want to pass the 3rd grade. Although I’m not sure that’ll matter, because I’ll be seeing every single one of you next year if I don’t find out who opened up the side of Billy’s skull.

Yes, Amanda.


I see. Alright. Do you have anything else to say? No? How about telling the class you’re sorry that they all missed the first half of lunch because you didn’t tell the truth right a way?

Thank you. Alright, everyone line up at the d—HEY!

Single. File.