Michael Bay Directs Youngstown, Ohio’s Annual Fireworks Display

by Melissa Chiasson

Emcee segues from live music performance to fireworks display, thanks families for coming out to the celebration, reminds audience that the theme for this year’s event was “America’s Birthday.”

Cue music—2 Chainz, “Birthday Song”

Note: the emcee may signal to cut the music at this point, as this was not the agreed upon introductory song.

After second iteration of “All I want for my birthday is a big booty ho,” fire red, white, blue Roman candles.

Fire on sparklers that spell out “AMERICA”

Fire on sparklers that spell out “FUCK YEAH”

Note: at this point the emcee might attempt to stop you from continuing, as this is nothing like the show you pitched to the city council. Punch him in the face and barrel right through to:

Music transition—Bruce Springstreen, “Born in the USA”




Cue hologram of Optimus Prime impaling Megatron with pole of American flag

Cue hologram of Mark Wahlberg high-fiving Optimus Prime in celebration

Cue hologram of hot woman with big rack running towards Mark Wahlberg in slow motion, eating a hot dog suggestively


Music transition—Lenny Kravitz, “American Woman”

Helicopters will fly over at this point, guns ablazing, dropping free taco coupons and spent ammunition over crowd

Cue hologram of Optimus Prime, Mark Wahlberg, and Boobs McGee riding on back of Transformer T. Rex waving American flag

Cue hologram of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and hot woman with big rack #2 being harassed by Belgian soccer team

Cue hologram of T. Rex biting heads off of Belgian soccer team, everyone high-fives, Boobs McGee’s top accidentally falls off



Fire on sparklers that spell out “THESE COLORS DON’T RUN”

Fire on sparklers that spell out “THE END”

Cue hologram of you, Michael Bay, riding a majestic Transformer bald eagle into the sunset

Fire on sparklers that spell out “OR IS IT???”


Crowd cheers wildly, elects you mayor of town, hot woman with big rack tells you it’s the best fireworks display she’s ever seen, top accidentally falls off