PUT IT ALL ON RED

Dear sir or madam:

Today I want to tell you about an exciting opportunity to participate in a new business that will revolutionize social media, technology, and…synergy? Sure, let’s just go with that.

Now to really sell this idea, let me give you a scenario: a 25-year-old graduate student has a crippling gambling addiction, and bets a lot (A LOT) of money on Bosnia-Herzegovina to go all the way in the World Cup. After Bosnia-Herzegovina is eliminated, she cries on the floor of the bar bathroom for a solid hour and is then presented with two options: find the money within a week or find the money within a week. When she points out how that’s redundant to the Colombian gentleman sitting in her living room in the dark with a baseball bat, he rolls his eyes and says “that’s the whole point.” Anyway, she hastily brainstorms some start-up ideas totally unrelated to the situation described above and has some exciting business plans she would like to share.

You might be thinking, “Wow, Melissa, based on the enclosed resume, you have an excellent science education and extensive lab experience…do you have an idea for a biotech start-up?” or “Jesus, why is this resume written entirely in crayon?”

Yes, it’s true that I have a lot of experience in both biology and the crayon arts. Today, however, I would like to tell you about a groundbreaking business idea: me, dancing anywhere, anytime, in a bear suit.

You have a lot of questions, I know. What kind of bear? What kind of dancing? How in any scenario is this profitable?

Astute queries, to be sure. First, I think having a diversity of bear suits and dance styles would be ideal, and if you decide to invest, I’d love your suggestions! You name it, I’ll do it—I’m game for anything!

Seriously, anything.

As for your questions about economic feasibility, you will notice I have enclosed a tentative operating budget and business plan for this new venture. You’ll see that I’m being very cost conscious, and I am more than willing to negotiate with you on specific budget items once you buy in. You will also notice there is a large line item labeled “Miscellaneous expenses to be paid in cash oh god I hope they don’t kill me.” That is supposed to read “Miscellaneous expenses,” and is, unfortunately, non-negotiable.

Turning your attention to the business plan, you can see my provisional rate schedule and ideas for events and marketing. It is purely a coincidence that the per hour rate for my bear dancing is equal to the aforementioned line item.

If you want to be part of this bear suit dancing movement, don’t hesitate! Please send your cash investment in the enclosed envelope with a crude crayon diagram of me in a bear suit doing the electric slide. Or better yet, just give me the money in person! I can meet you at any ATM in the country with enough warning. If you’re unsure about investing, but would like me to break it down at a birthday party, wedding, or first communion, please call me ASAP, like within hours, if possible.

My passion is betting on the over/under dancing in a bear suit. Your passion is giving people large sums of money. Together, we can keep me alive long enough to make Ursus Enterprises a reality.

Sincerely,

Melissa Chiasson

President, Ursus Enterprises