by Jordy Greenblatt
We hereby agree that, as long as we are staying at the residence of Jeffrey and Rachel Kaminsky at 430 Mountainview Drive in Boulder, Colorado, we will abide by the following rules:
(1) All off the tenants’ guests must vacate the premises by 11 PM sharp unless special permission is granted by the proprietors.
(2) The noise level must be kept to a reasonable volume so as not to disturb the neighborhood.
(3) Nobody may enter the basement under any circumstances.
(4) The dog must be fed twice a day, once around 9 AM and once around 5 PM and must be taken out every 4 hours.
(5) Should any unusual noises come from the basement, they must be ignored, no matter how noxious or off-putting.
(6) All tenants and guests must remove their shoes before entering the house in order to avoid tracking mud inside.
(7) Should anybody happen to trip and fall into the basement on accident, he or she must immediately close his or her eyes and exit as quickly as possible subject to the constraint of not peaking. Any sounds or smells experienced in the mean time must be disregarded and never mentioned to neighbors, acquaintances, or government officials of any kind.
(8) Next to the laundry chute is a chute that leads directly to the basement (it is clearly marked by a skull and crossbones). Every night at 11:30 PM a tenant must drop one each of the following items into it: a one pound, raw porterhouse steak, three scoops of congealed goose fat (found in the bottom left drawer of the fridge), a large, extremely durable toy of some kind, and a live cat (found in the shed in back).
(9) The tenants must wash all dishes, clean bathrooms, sweep floors, etc. before checking out.
(10) If a tenant cooks anything with a strong, appealing scent, he or she must block all air vents as well as the crack under the door to the basement with towels and simultaneously burn an unpleasant
smelling incense (human hair, plastic, and fertilizer are all acceptable substitutes) to drown out the food. Should he or she fail to do so, the proprietors are hereby exonerated from any legal responsibility for bodily or psychological damage resulting there from.
(11) Should the tenants feel a sudden rumbling coming from the basement, they must as quickly as possible padlock and bar its door, shut off all lights, and exit the house. Once outside the house there is a digit pad on the front gate. Entering 14427 will lock the house from the outside and entering 52183 will send out a general alarm message to the neighborhood. Tenants must wait no less than four hours before unlocking the house by entering the code 70406.
(12) In the unlikely event that anything unexpected should emerge from the basement, the tenants must immediately vacate the house and lock down from the outside (see Rule 11 for directions). Then they must enter 00000 on the digit pad, which will incinerate the house along with everything contained inside. Then the tenants must wait no less than ten minutes to call the fire department, saying that they left a stove burner on and that they smelled gas just before the explosion. Any bone-chilling howls of agony that may come from the flaming house must be blamed on the most plausible sounding pet the tenants can think of. Once the fire had been extinguished, the tenants must leave the State of Colorado as quickly as possible without speaking to anybody unless absolutely necessary in order to exit the state. Any mention of events transpiring between the tenants’ arrival to 430 Mountainview Drive and their departure from Colorado will be construed as vicious slander and will result in legal action. Should any tenant express a desire to communicate with authorities concern events occurring in the aforementioned time span, all other tenants have an obligation to silence him or her by any means necessary and are similarly obligated never to mention the fate of their fellow tenant under threat of harsh legal action.
(13) All tenants must take a day to hike Devil’s Thumb Pass in Nederland; it’s just gorgeous this time of year!