Kate Zimmerman, Will You Marry Me and if Not, Is Your Sister Seeing Anybody These Days?

by Jordy Greenblatt

Kate, the last two years have been the best of my life. I was in free fall when I met you but now I feel like, for the first time in years, I have two feet on the ground. I don’t want too much out of life, but I need someone like you to make it complete. What I’m trying to say is that I couldn’t imagine myself without a Zimmerman girl in my life, preferably you.

I brought you here to your family’s favorite restaurant to ask if you will do me the honor of giving me your beautiful hand in marriage. But if not, I also made a reservation for tomorrow night under Megan’s name. So, Kate, will you either make me the happiest man on Earth or else leave a post-it note on your sister’s door when you get home telling her to call me?

I just don’t want you to feel pressured. I love you so much but I won’t be crushed or angry if you say no. I won’t post dirty pictures of you online or slander you to our friends. I won’t delete you from my contacts or burn your love notes. I will just calmly and quietly go back to the apartment, pack up all my stuff into my duffle bag, and move it to Meg’s room on the third floor.

I remember the night we met like it was yesterday, every single detail. It was Ben Wilson’s holiday party and you wore that beautiful flowing purple dress you love with a white flower in your hair. The moment I saw you, I knew I had to be with you. Incidentally, I also remember that your sister was wearing a bright green blouse and a nice frilly plaid skirt. I guess I should add I also knew that, if I couldn’t be with you, I had to be with her. But I was much more taken with you.

If you’re not ready to get married, though, please don’t tell her I said that.

I went up to you nervously and said, “If I weren’t so hopelessly shy I would totally ask you for your name.” You laughed and replied, “If you weren’t so hopelessly adorable, I wouldn’t tell you.” Sure it was corny, but it felt right. Then we talked for an hour and a half and finally I worked up the courage to kiss you under the mistletoe and you said you thought it was ironic that two Jews would have “the WASPiest first kiss in history.” It was a magical evening.

Then you went to say goodbye to a friend and I chatted up Megan for a while. That was also magical, but less so.

We went to your parents’ house for your dad’s birthday two months later and I got to meet your wonderful family. We played scrabble and I argued with your dad about whether Casablanca was better than the Maltese Falcon until 1 in the morning! I went to shake his hand when I left but instead he gave me a big hug and invited me to come back for dinner that weekend. I wanted nothing more than to be part of your family. One way or another, I plan to make that happen.

I just want you to be happy. If that means spending the rest of your life with me, I will be overjoyed. I will be a loving husband and an endlessly loyal friend for as long as I live. I will be a great dad for our kids when we’re ready for that but you will always be my first love. I would fulfill every crappy love song cliché just to see you smile. So, Kate, please say yes and continue bringing meaning into my life the way you have every day for the past two years. But if not, I’m more than happy to set you up with my brother.