by Melissa Chiasson
8:30 AM Head out to the barn, round up new litter of kittens.
9 AM Feed bears.
10 AM Bear bath time! Wear swim trunks.
11 AM Bear wrestle time! Wear bear suit.
12 PM Meeting with angry neighbors re: “dangerous” bear farm next door. Do not wear bear suit.
1 PM Arts and crafts. Paw paintings, bear calls, squirrel dismemberment.
2 PM Call Clint Eastwood re: dancing bear in next movie. Mr. Winky would be a good fit in terms of age, demeanor.
2:30 PM Acting class. Today’s focus: emotionally intense scenes that do not involve biting.
3:30 PM Appointment with Feds re: accusations of bear fighting.
4 PM Bear fight.
5 PM Costume fittings and grooming. New style idea: bear corn rows?
6 PM Feed bears. Check kitten supply.
7 PM Bear story time! Berenstain Bears enrage them, best saved for bear fight psych-ups.
8 PM Hide and seek. Hide realllly well.
9 PM Meditation and reflection hour. Food for thought: literally, bring food to encourage bears, otherwise they will mutiny.
10 PM Bedtime for bears. Bring sleeping bag, bear suit.